


A Mile for the Journey

by sweetjamielee



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-08
Updated: 2011-03-24
Packaged: 2017-12-28 13:37:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/992598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetjamielee/pseuds/sweetjamielee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The divorce came through, and it was time for Alicia to find herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an older fic that gained some degree of small-fandom fame as one of the first Kalicia multichaps; TeamSharma requested that I archive it here in the Land of Kalicia-Plenty. It takes place in a simpler time and place, and always makes me sentimental for the good old A/K days with each reread. If only it would have been this easy!
> 
> My beta for this fic was threeguesses, who is wonderful.

The divorce came through.  
  
They had tried. _Alicia_ had tried. But the heart could only be steered so far off course, before you started feeling lost.  
  
She really shouldn’t complain. She’d had it easier than many of the couples she saw come through her law firm. Peter wasn’t happy about her decision, and it certainly wasn’t his preference; but he didn’t fight it tooth and nail, or keep anything from her out of spite. Still, it took several grueling months of mostly-civil negotiation, to work out arrangements with finances, property, and the kids, and by the time she finally had the official divorce decree in her hands, all she felt was exhausted.  
  
And now, even though everything was tied up as neat and tidy as it could be, and she was finally free to do what she wanted to do and be who she wanted to be…  
  
She wasn’t entirely sure what or who that was.  
  
One of these days, she’d figure it out again. Exactly where she stood with her firm, her kids, her friends, her family. Maybe even with Will.  
  
 _Will._ They’d talked, during the months of her separation – probably not as much as they _should_ have talked, but that was because neither of them trusted themselves completely, in matters concerning the other. There was no doubt that, after she had revealed her intention to leave Peter, his first thought had been _what does this mean for us?_ And to be honest, it was on her list of preoccupying thoughts, too.  
  
However, there were few things she was absolutely certain about – and one of the things she _knew_ was that she couldn’t get out of one serious relationship, only to replace it with another. That was ill-advised on many counts. She wasn’t ready to be serious with _anybody_ , and with Will…  
  
Well, it couldn’t _not_ be serious, if they made a decision to be together. There was too much history there, too many feelings. They both knew it, and _that’s_ why they kept their talks mostly surface-level, even while their eyes exchanged questions of possibilities that might or might not go unrealized.  
  
So life went on as usual. He was still dating Tammy (their relationship had surprising longevity, for Will – but Alicia just didn’t perceive a lot of _excitement_ behind it, on his part), and she was still… figuring things out, she supposed. Waiting for a revelation.  
  
Now, as she sat at her desk, staring at the decree in her hands, she didn’t get a revelation. She got Kalinda Sharma, instead.  
  
Maybe Kalinda was a revelation. Alicia would never get over envying how easy Kalinda made everything look. Work, fashion, sex. Maybe that was the perk of being the mystery she was; if people didn’t _know_ your complications, it was as good as not having any.  
  
“I got the shots you wanted,” Kalinda told her, breezing in, all knee-high boots and business. “Your guy definitely likes the Omni Hotel. And he doesn’t like it alone.”  
  
“Of course not,” Alicia breathed, quickly shoving her divorce document in her drawer to make room for the photos Kalinda was spreading across her desk.  
  
“You’ll have to be the bearer of bad news, but the wife might stop lying to protect him.”  
  
“Great.” Alicia looked grimly at the infidelity spread across her desktop. It brought her no joy, to think of the wife seeing these and the hurt that would follow, but Kalinda was right. It might just get her to start advocating for _herself,_ rather than her husband. Her eyes flickered back up to her colleague. “Thank you. You did good.”  
  
“No problem. I sent you digital copies. You need these?”  
  
She didn’t really want them anywhere near her. “No. Take them, please.”  
  
There was a flash of sympathy in Kalinda’s eyes. She never was terribly emotive – not on the outside -- but was always perceptive when Alicia was struggling; it was one of the reasons she’d become the closest thing Alicia had to a confidante, the months before and following her separation. “Got it.” She scooped the shots off Alicia’s desk with brisk efficiency and slipped them back in the folder she held, before changing the subject to: “I heard it’s official. Congratulations.”  
  
Word got around. Alicia flexed her palms in the air in the mockest of celebration. “I’ve now officially failed at marriage. Give me a prize.”  
  
Another person might have rushed to assure her just how courageous and justified was her decision to leave and divorce Peter; but this was Kalinda. “Is that how you feel?”  
  
Alicia shook her head ruefully before propping it on her hand. “Ask me in another couple days. Or months. Or some other time when I’ve actually had a chance to think about it.”  
  
Kalinda accepted that easily enough. “You’re single now,” she pointed out.  
  
“I suppose I am.” It was odd, she and Peter had been separated for a few months, and it had been a strange limbo; but she had felt neither single nor together, and the piece of paper she received today did little to change that.  
  
More than single, she felt… disconnected. But that still felt better than the lack of respect she had felt for herself, as she’d tried to make it work with Peter.  
  
With no more business to attend to, Kalinda moved back toward the open door before pausing and tossing Alicia another look… and a question.  
  
“You want to go out for a drink sometime?”  
  
Alicia opened her mouth to respond automatically that _God_ yes, she wanted, needed, _required_ a drink, as soon and as much as humanly possible. But a split second later something sunk in – maybe it was the _sometime,_ that made this overture different – and the words stopped up in her throat. She blinked. Cocked her head.  
  
Kalinda observed her with patience, manila folder tucked to her chest – just waiting for a response so she could go on with her day.  
  
“I…” What was this, that she couldn’t even form a sentence anymore? “Do you mean…?”  
  
The exotic and dark eyes on her held both amusement and empathy for her struggling. “Yeah. Like that.”  
  
Later she wanted to smack herself for being so damned shocked. She’d long had suspicions that men weren’t the only objects of Kalinda’s sexual interest, and she had even noticed her colleague looking at her, on occasion, with something that could very well be a spark of attraction. And it’s not like a woman being interested in another woman was some kind of damn novelty to her; hell, she’d attended PFLAG meetings with her parents and brother up until she’d moved away for law school.  
  
Despite all that, she was now looking at Kalinda dumbfounded, as if she’d just requested accompaniment for her trip to the moon. “Oh. Well. I just…”  
  
The next second was the first one where Alicia really, truly, completely believed that there was a god, because Diane swooped in the door from behind Kalinda, knocking brusquely and talking a mile a minute about a witness who needed extensive preparation to take the stand tomorrow.   
  
Realizing this wasn’t to be a quick meeting, Kalinda gave her a short nod and made her exit, leaving Alicia to catch about every third word of Diane’s, while her mind was reeling at Kalinda’s far more succinct ones.  
  


\--

  
When she finally got a moment to herself to think about it, she decided that Kalinda must have been joking. Even if she were attracted to Alicia (the thought made a hot fluster run across her body; one so warm that she’d needed to shrug off her jacket), there was no way a young, sensuous, independent woman like Kalinda would want to _date_ a middle-aged divorcee with two kids and a heap of leftover emotional issues.  
  
It just didn’t make any sense.  
  
But then again, Kalinda rarely joked. And she’d never gone out of her way before, to confuse Alicia or make her uncomfortable.  
  
What did it matter anyway? Even if she were serious. Alicia wasn’t ready for dating, she had decided.   
  
Especially not inter-office dating.   
  
Especially not _gay_ inter-office dating.  
  
She was pretty damn sure of that. So it didn’t make sense, why it was bothering her so much when the answer was such a done deal. And now she didn’t know if Kalinda would ever bring it up again, unless Alicia said something.  
  
Well, she _had_ to say something about it. Having things hanging out there with no resolution had thus far been the story of her life, and she was sick of it.   
  
So she used that frustration and burst of boldness when she saw her chance: as she spied Kalinda waiting by herself for the elevator. When the doors opened and she saw the car was empty, Alicia sprung into action and hurried to join her, making it just before the doors closed again behind them. Alone at last.  
  
Kalinda raised a perfectly-sculpted eyebrow at her.  
  
They didn’t have much time. “What you asked before… did you mean it?”  
  
“Yes.” A simple reply, with no elaboration.  
  
Well. There was _one_ question answered. Which opened up all the rest.  
  
Alicia leaned on the metal armrest that lined the perimeter of the elevator cage. “Well, ah… I’m flattered. But… I don’t think it would be a very good idea?” She hadn’t meant for the last word to rise like a question, but that was how it left her lips.  
  
“Why not?”  
  
She was afraid Kalinda would ask her that. “Because… I’m too old for you.”  
  
Now she was the recipient of the ‘Kalinda is unimpressed by your bullshit’ look. Patent pending. “Oh come on. There are far too many better excuses, to use _that_ one.”  
  
A flushed frustration crept up on her. “It’s true, though! I have kids and a divorce and all this… _baggage_.” Her hands gestured helplessly.  
  
“I know all that. And I asked you anyway.”  
  
Kalinda never did anything without having calculated and thought it through three, four, a dozen times, and Alicia knew it. Shit.  
  
She tried again.  
  
“The divorce _just_ went through. I’m not sure I’m in the best emotional place, for dating. And… there’s the fact we work together.”  
  
“You know, you _could_ just say ‘I’m straight.’ And that would be end of story,” Kalinda pointed out.  
  
What was it about this woman that kept Alicia perpetually on the edge of not-completely unpleasant discomfort? The only time she was one hundred percent sure she liked it, was when they were drinking together. And even then, in the morning she often wanted to smack herself for how much she revealed just to keep Kalinda from looking at her the way she was _now._  
  
“I don’t always know what I am anymore,” she mumbled, looking downward. She was sure her face was as flaming red as the crimson sweater she was wearing.   
  
The elevator dinged to a stop on the parking level, the doors sliding apart. Neither of them moved for a moment.  
  
Kalinda’s voice edged on kindness; as much as it ever did. “Look, Alicia. I’m just proposing we get coffee. Not get married. Trust me, if it feels _serious_ …” Her eyes rolled. “…I’ll be gone before you are.”  
  
It was only a half-joke, but it served its purpose anyway. Kalinda was right. She was the _last_ person Alicia needed to worry about encroaching on her new single, independent lifestyle. She wasn’t Will, or Peter, or _anybody_ Alicia had ever been with.  
  
And… Alicia liked her.  
  
Kalinda stepped out of the elevator car and into the garage. The doors would shut again in a second, leaving Alicia behind – an opportunity forever closed off. Or at least, that’s how it felt. Some deep, sub-conscious part of her brain screamed at her.  
  
It might have been that urgency that made her say what she said next. “Well… I suppose…” She took a deep breath. “Coffee never hurt anyone, right?”  
  
Kalinda smirked. “Guess there could always be a first.”  
  
“You’re not helping!” Alicia scolded, and just before the doors slid shut and separated them, she caught Kalinda’s smile.  
  
“This weekend, then. Just coffee. I’ll call you,” Kalinda called, into the diminishing and then disappearing crack, leaving Alicia to wonder just _how_ a decision could turn so fast, in the span of an elevator ride.  
  
She had never been so nervous for coffee in her life.  
  


\--

  
It ended up being Sunday. Alicia forced herself into preoccupation on the Saturday before, going into the office to finish up some paperwork, and devoting the evening to doing some redecorating of her bedroom (even though it had been quite awhile since Peter had slept there, his influence was all over the walls and curtains and even the furniture, and it was one of her post-divorce resolutions to make it more _hers_ ). The distraction was successful until about ten in the evening, at which point she realized she had _no idea_ of what to wear to a first, gay, inter-office coffee meet-up.  
  
Forty minutes later, with approximately a dozen sweaters and blouses littering her bed, she had to force herself to meet her own eyes in the mirror and say, “Stop it.”  
  
This was just Kalinda. They were friends. Just because they were going on a date _(no, not a date, just coffee, she wasn’t ready for dating),_ didn’t mean Alicia had to turn into a nervous teenage girl.  
  
Despite her own assurances to herself, her sleep was fitful, and in her dreams she navigated a labyrinth where no possible direction felt safe.  
  


\--

  
When Alicia showed up at the coffee shop Kalinda was there already, which surprised her (why did it surprise her? Maybe she’d figured Kalinda would enjoy the power of keeping people waiting); sitting with her laptop at a small, circular table in the middle of the busy shop. Her legs were crossed, posture perfect; and even though it was the weekend, she was dressed nearly the same as she did for work, save the pair of jeans that replaced her usual skirt.  
  
Alicia paused in the entryway before she made her way over to make her presence known, looking at Kalinda. Processing the image, and trying to tease out the colleague, from the friend, from the woman.  
  
In the past, she had passed off any attraction she may have felt for Kalinda as admiration or friendly affection. But now, in this circumstance, her awareness was honed on this woman as a sexual being –she felt that hot fluster from yesterday, returning again.  
  
Kalinda’s eyes switched up as if she had sensed being watched, and found Alicia staring. _Busted._  
  
“Hey.” She motioned her over, closing her laptop with the other manicured hand.  
  
Unable to postpone any longer, Alicia obeyed, forcing a friendly smile. “Hey. Were you waiting long?”  
  
“I wasn’t waiting. I was working. But I’m glad you’re here, so I can stop.”   
  
Alicia sat down across her gingerly, as if she didn’t trust that the chair was going to support her. Kalinda was gesturing to the barista, who made his way to the table and looked at Alicia expectantly, as Kalinda already had a mug sitting in front of her.  
  
“Oh. Cappuccino?” Her stomach flipped at the mere word, and she reassessed. “Better make that decaf,” she told him. If her jitters got _worse,_ she felt like she might just vibrate off her chair.  
  
Kalinda, on the other hand, seemed steady as a surgeon, sipping at her coffee and regarding Alicia with interest. “You’re nervous.”  
  
“Not nervous, exactly, just…” Her defense had come automatically, but then she realized it served no purpose. “Nervous,” she finished, eyes flitting downward.  
  
And her nervousness stemmed, in large part, from having no idea how this was supposed to go. Was she supposed to do something different than the other times she and Kalinda had gotten drinks or spent social time together? Were they supposed to talk about how this was different, or ignore it altogether? _Why_ was she doing this?  
  
Instead of arguing with her about whether she should or shouldn’t be nervous, Kalinda chose a different course of action. “How was your weekend?”  
  
Small talk. Small talk, she could handle. She breathed out a momentary and hopefully subtle sigh of relief. “It was fine. I’m slowly getting used having days where the kids aren’t around.”  
  
Kalinda took a drink of her coffee, at the same time the barista returned with Alicia’s. She accepted it with a polite smile.  
  
“Peter has them every weekend?”  
  
“Mostly. We’re trying to be flexible, and it’s worked so far. But the breaks can be… nice, when you don’t have anybody sharing parenting duties with you during the week.” This topic _couldn’t_ be interesting to Kalinda. Five minutes in, and Alicia already felt like an uninteresting date. “But… I worked a bit, and started my redecoration project in the bedroom.”  
  
“Redecorating, huh? Your bedroom is so nice,” Kalinda mused.  
  
That was right. Kalinda had been in her bedroom before. She'd even (albeit platonically, even professionally) been in her bed. All these details suddenly felt so much more important and… unnerving. “There were a few things I promised myself I’d do, once the divorce went through. Redecorating was one of them.”  
  
“What were the others?”  
  
“To take one day each week to myself, where I didn’t work at all. To spend more time with my children when I have them, to counterbalance the influence of my former mother-in-law. To start doing yoga again after… think it’s been about three years, now?” Alicia shrugged. “Those were the big ones.”  
  
Kalinda tilted her head. “Is that therapy? It sounds like therapy.”  
  
“God, no. I can’t go to therapy. I’d never leave.” She was only half-joking.  
  
“That’s good. Because I don’t date people in therapy. Too many issues.”  
  
Alicia blinked rapidly. “Really?”  
  
Kalinda gave her a sideways, amused glance. “No. Not really.”  
  
 _Of course._ What was _wrong_ with her? Was she so unhinged by this whole situation that she couldn’t participate in normal repartee? Apparently her sense of humor was one of the things she’d lost to Peter in the divorce. “Oh my God,” she sighed, certain she’d never blushed so much in her life as she had in the past few days.   
  
Kalinda appeared to be trying to repress a smile or outright laughter. “Relax. This isn’t a test.”  
  
Alicia rubbed her face. “I feel so stupid. Why didn’t we go out for a _real_ drink? Tequila makes things easier.”  
  
“I thought about that. But we often go out for ‘real’ drinks, so I just figured we’d do something different. As a distinction.” Kalinda gave her an enigmatic smile. “Why don’t you just see this as a break. Time for yourself. Part of your resolution.”  
  
Alicia took a deep breath in, out. Gripped her mug hard, even as the over-heated glass burned her skin a little. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to just vent about the divorce to you, either. It’s… not a fun topic.”  
  
“It’s on your mind.” Kalinda uncrossed and recrossed her legs under the table; her foot brushed Alicia’s calf and in her hyper-vigilant state she had to repress the urge to jump. “That’s natural.” A pause, and then something that Alicia was certain that she _must_ have misheard. “When I got out of my marriage, it took some… adjusting.”  
  
It was a good thing her experiences in court had trained her to mostly contain expressions of shock, or else she might have sprayed her sip of coffee all over Kalinda’s laptop. She swallowed it, hard. “Pardon?”  
  
Kalinda regarded her with calmness, clearly confident that Alicia had heard the first time around.  
  
“Kalinda, I had no idea. You were married?”  
  
“Well,” she pursed her lips thoughtfully, as if she was considering the memory from a great distance. “It wasn’t exactly my choice.”  
  
Alicia would never be able to comprehend the nonchalance that seemed to underlay this woman’s every word, every action, when she herself felt thrown so off-balance, her mind blown. “I… I don’t even know what to say.”  
  
“You don’t have to say anything.” Kalinda seemed to be studying her, looking for hints of… something. “We all have things in our past. They happen, and you deal with them, and you move on. Just like you’re doing.”  
  
Alicia’s mind was flooded now with a million questions, but Kalinda’s posture had changed, her eyes reflecting a new caution. And even though it had been her choice to drop this particular bombshell, _now,_ her expression seemed to invite no further discussion of the topic.  
  
Remembering how to move again, Alicia forced her mug back to her lips for another drink, trying to restore some sense of normalcy to all this. When she set it back down on the table, Kalinda was still regarding her stoically. Challenging her to… what? Push her? Drop it? Just get up and walk away?  
  
“Kalinda Sharma, who are you?” she murmured aloud.  
  
Unexpectedly, Kalinda tipped her head back and chuckled. “Best to figure out who _you_ are, first.”  
  
And maybe she had a point.  
  
Then, she changed the subject, as if she _hadn’t_ just told Alicia something that felt very _serious._ Especially for _just coffee._  
  
They talked for awhile then; slipping back into their comfort zone of discussing work ('comfort' being a loose term; even though it probably technically violated her 'one day with no work' resolution, it felt like a marginal relief). And Kalinda was pleasant, not at all awkward; her usual self, really, and it should have put Alicia further at ease.  
  
But there was something in the back of her mind that wouldn’t let go of – what had Kalinda called it? – the _distinction._ They weren’t just colleagues relaxing after a hard week of work, or even just two girlfriends gabbing over a Sunday brunch.  
  
They were two people who were attracted to each other.  
  
She. Was attracted to Kalinda.  
  
It wouldn’t let her go, and it wouldn’t allow her a moment of comfort. She stayed on edge, conversing mechanically through another cup of coffee, until Kalinda glanced at her watch.  
  
“I have to go.”  
  
“Yeah?” Alicia felt relief, and just the faintest trace of irrational disappointment.  
  
“This has been fun, though. I hope we can do it again.” Without waiting for Alicia to reply, she stood, pulling her leather jacket off the back of the chair and shrugging it over her shoulders. Then she pulled out her wallet and put a few bills down on the table… enough to cover the entire tab.  
  
When she saw Alicia start to protest, Kalinda held up a hand to stop her. “When you invite me, you can pay.” Alicia fell silent.  
  
Kalinda leaned over and pressed her coffee-warm lips to Alicia’s cheek. “See you at work.” Then she made her exit, perfect hips swaying with each confident step.  
  
Alicia’s face burned at the place Kalinda’s lips had touched, as if they had been heated to scalding. She had the sudden, crazy thought that they probably _were_ ; that everything that lay beneath Kalinda’s cool surface was inferno-hot, and maybe this was why Kalinda contained it so well – otherwise, she’d turn everyone around her to ash.  
  
She sat for a long time by herself, while her remaining half-cup of coffee grew cold. She wasn’t sure what just happened, let alone whether she wanted it to happen again. But it would probably be a good thing to figure out.  
  


\--

  
One of the curses of her job – having work to do whether she was in the office, _or_ at home – became a blessing for the rest of the day; even though it made her officially a failure at one of her 'resolutions.' She used it again as a marginally successful distraction technique, and missed her children desperately because they were always the very best diversion. Every time she took a break to eat or do chores or breathe, her mind returned to the same dilemma.  
  
She’d had a date… with _Kalinda_ (she was now past the _just coffee_ thing, and if it wasn’t _dating_ , it was still certainly a date). And even though they hadn’t done anything during the date that they never did the other times they spent together outside of work (that little kiss on the cheek aside), the intent was different – and that was enough to _completely_ disrupt Alicia’s equilibrium. She’d always enjoyed Kalinda’s company, but she could barely do _that_ when all she was thinking was how strange this all was.  
  
And then, Kalinda had told her that _thing_. That thing that, coming from someone as private as Kalinda, was… stupefying. Why had she told her that, only to minimize it a moment later? It was so strange to consider that maybe, for Kalinda, _none_ of this was a big deal – a past marriage, a new identity, or a date with her older, divorced co-worker.  
  
This whole thing was out of Alicia’s element in a big way, and in the night after what was supposed to be _just coffee_ she lay in bed and contemplated it. In those sleepless hours, the thought that this was crazy became more and more persistent.  
  
It was silly for her, to pretend like she could just date Kalinda. To act like she could ever be comfortable dating a woman, or just have a ‘good time’ without at least the _possibility_ of it becoming something more. Sexual orientation aside, Alicia liked relationships, and Kalinda…  
  
Well, they were Kalinda’s mortal enemy.  
  
By the wee hours, she had it figured out. That was it. She couldn’t do this. She was going to have to talk to Kalinda tomorrow and be straight with her, and try to get things back to normal.  
  
The thought of being ‘straight’ with Kalinda struck her as hilariously funny, and before she finally drifted off to sleep, she laughed into her pillow at her own ridiculousness.  
  


\--

  
They didn’t have official “lunch breaks” at Lockhart Gardner, but the employees grabbed time when they could. Today, Alicia made it a priority when she found Kalinda en route to Diane’s office in the morning, and asked her if she wouldn’t mind taking a walk with her come lunchtime. A walk felt so _cliché,_ but Alicia just didn’t feel comfortable talking about these things within the walls of her professional sanctuary. It was bad enough that every time she walked in Will’s office, she had the memory of them being… not so professional.  
  
Kalinda showed no concern or surprise (what did she expect? Kalinda wasn’t the concerned or surprised type), but accepted agreeably enough.   
  
Now Alicia had to follow through.  
  
It was flurrying when they made their way outside and to the nearby park, and there was a biting coldness in the air that kept most people inside their cozy offices, and the park far emptier than usual, save a few, intrepid, bundled-up joggers. Alicia’s preoccupation kept her from feeling the full impact of the chill, but she still tugged her coat more tightly around her body in an unconscious motion. Although she had prepared what she was going to say, she found the words didn’t want to emerge into the frigid air, and they both walked silently for almost fifteen minutes, gloved hands buried in their pockets while they nearly circumnavigated the park.  
  
“So what made you change your mind?” Kalinda finally broke the silence to ask her, reading Alicia like the open book she always felt herself to be in the young investigator’s presence.  
  
There was no point in deflecting or postponing anymore – if she did, the whole purpose of this walk would be lost to her cowardice -- so Alicia didn’t bother trying. She just began explaining on a sigh.  
  
“See… I like you,” she began hesitantly. “The past few years have changed a lot of things, and probably most important is that they’ve dramatically decreased the number of people I like. And trust. And I don’t want to lose one of the only people I’ve got left, on some… confused post-divorce rebound thing.”  
  
Kalinda glanced over and raised her eyebrow as they walked. “You think spending more time with me is going to make you like me less?”  
  
 _“No._ I think spending more time with you is going to make you get sick of _my_ neuroticism, and like _me_ less.” And that was the God’s-honest truth.  
  
That declaration didn’t get a response aside from a wry upward glance. Kalinda never felt a duty toward reassurances, when they weren’t specifically asked for.  
  
“It’s just…” Alicia sighed and tipped her head back, feeling the snowflakes cold and sharp against her face. “I’m almost 40 years old, Kalinda. I’m a little far along to be experimenting. And I don’t want to be using you and… _this…_ as a way to figure myself out.”  
  
“Well. If you can’t say the word describing what we’re doing, it’s probably a good indication that you shouldn’t be doing it.”  
  
Her agreement was an out, and it felt simultaneously relieving and… hurtful. Just a bit. _Try to convince me. Just a little bit harder._  
  
“We can still be friends, right?” she begged. She wasn’t even completely sure Kalinda ever considered her a friend to begin with; she revealed so little. But sadly enough, despite the fact she barely scratched Kalinda’s surface – she was still _Alicia's_ best friend right now. The only person with whom she ever really shared her feelings about Peter, Will, her kids, her _life._ The thought of that being taken away made her feel anxious, if not slightly panicked.  
  
Kalinda chuckled lightly. “Nothing’s changed, Alicia. Don’t worry.”  
  
They were almost back at the gate, at the entrance of the park. The snow was falling a little heavier, sticking to the grass and the trees now, and the traffic on the path was sparse – a few people hurrying back to work after lingering too long on their lunch breaks.  
  
Alicia put her gloved hand on Kalinda’s arm, stopping her in her tracks. “Thank you,” she told her, with fierce gratefulness. “For understanding.”  
  
Kalinda angled toward her, in her tall boots _still_ shorter than Alicia; flurries caught in her hair and in those preternaturally long and dark eyelashes. “Hey. Don’t mention it.”  
  
A stronger gust of wind blew, and the snow swirled around them; big, thick flakes that looked far too heavy to be twirling so merrily in the air. One of them landed and clung to Kalinda’s full, berry-stained lower lip. Alicia found herself preoccupied with it, watching as it became smaller, smaller, and finally melted, leaving behind a hint of dampness that turned her mouth even glossier than before.  
  
Time seemed to slow to a crawl. For the first time since Kalinda threw her off balance by asking her out for coffee (just coffee), all conscious thought left her.  
  
And then, suddenly, Alicia Cavanaugh Florrick did something unplanned, and very, very reckless.   
  
She kissed Kalinda Sharma.  
  
It wasn’t the best first kiss she’d ever had. It was quick – too quick – and had not a week or an hour or even a minute of anticipatory excitement leading to it. But it was soft, and thrilling in its unexpectedness, and full of a potential that Alicia couldn’t begin to comprehend.  
  
When she pulled back, she was amazed to see that, maybe for the first time in the history of their friendship, she had managed to surprise Kalinda – although not _nearly_ as much as she just surprised herself.  
  
“…Really?” Kalinda asked, incredulous.  
  
“I guess…?” The words were uncertain, questioning, but before she could decide on any others, Kalinda threw a surreptitious glance to the right, then the left – then grabbed the lapels of Alicia’s navy coat and pulled her into a far more forceful kiss.  
  
This one was longer, but not nearly long enough. There was a dizzying contrast between what were certainly the softest lips she has ever kissed, and the most masterful style of kissing she’d ever experienced. Kalinda’s velvet-soft tongue found all the right spots inside Alicia’s mouth that set her quivering with pleasure, and for a few helpless seconds she had no choice but to trust that Kalinda had made sure no colleagues or cameras were capturing the moment, because _Alicia_ certainly couldn’t be the one to pull away this time.  
  
When they did separate, it took some time for everything to come back into focus; the first things she noticed were a strand of hair that had escaped Kalinda’s always-perfect up-do, and the fact that her lipstick was barely smudged. A thought floated lazily past, that she should ask Kalinda sometime what brand she used, and later in the day it would strike her as humorous, that _this_ was the detail she’d found important, after doing what she’d just done.  
  
Kalinda’s head tilted; her face was mischievous now, warm breath visible in the cold air. “So you were saying how you’re too old to experiment?”  
  
Alicia guessed that, ready or not, what came next was dating.


	2. Chapter 2

Maybe that kiss should have made things more awkward, rather than less; but it didn’t. Alicia couldn’t pinpoint exactly why, but later figured it had something to do with actually making a _choice_ to move forward with this, rather than feeling thrown into it – even if she had no real idea what she was moving forward into. In any case, that week of work passed without strangeness between her and Kalinda; they did their jobs, were as friendly _and_ professional as they’d ever been, and the only thing that was really different was the occasional eye contact that extended just a fraction longer than it may have used to – and the brief but meaningful smiles they exchanged before that contact was broken.  
  
An agreement, of sorts.  
  
The next time they went out, it was for dinner the following weekend when Alicia was again unburdened by the demands of parenthood. And this time, Alicia wasn’t quite so hyper-aware of how _different_ it was, under the surface of their talk about work, and their colleagues, and about Alicia’s time in law school (Kalinda was entertained by the story of how Will’s true respect for Alicia came not from her work ethic, but the dozens of times she had kicked his ass at beer pong). Kalinda didn’t mention her former life this time, and she didn’t have to; things just felt… _easier,_ the second time around.  
  
Crazily, a part of Alicia’s subconscious felt like she’d earned some kind of in, by kissing a girl; like her moment of bold sensuality in the park meant she was somehow more capable of this than she had previously considered. So she was chatty as she’d ever been, and they lingered long after their plates had been taken away, sipping their glasses of wine and talking.  
  
Still, there came a moment when the conversation ended, and it occurred to Alicia she hadn’t quite planned what happened _after_ the date was over. They had gone their separate ways after coffee, but this was a Saturday night, and it wasn’t so late yet…  
  
“I have more wine back at my place,” she blurted out, filling the silence that really hadn’t gone on all _that_ long. “If you want,” she quickly followed, her bashfulness returning under Kalinda’s intense gaze.  
  
But Kalinda didn’t let her suffer for long. “Sure. I want.” Then she gave a wink that made Alicia’s belly flip. By the time they paid the tab (Alicia’s treat, since it had been her invitation this time), she was feeling practically euphoric with a mixture of excitement and nervous anticipation, of the likes she hadn’t felt since the first time she brought Peter back to her room in Georgetown grad student housing.  
  
Suddenly, the whole middle-aged divorcee thing didn’t feel very important at all.  
  


\--

  
They never opened the wine. For the first time since the separation and divorce, Alicia reveled in having an empty apartment to come home to. Kalinda looked pretty, and Alicia’s gaze was irrevocably pulled back to the skin displayed by her low-cut blue sweater. When she met Kalinda’s eyes again, they were knowing and amused. Busted. Again.  
  
“You wanna do it again, don’t you?” Kalinda asked her, smirking; and there was no question about what _it_ was.  
  
And that’s how they ended up on the couch, making out like teenagers – actually, not quite like teenagers, because it was slower and more sensual, with a noticeable lack of fumbling and efforts to advance things past first base. Kalinda sat on her lap, fully clothed and straddling her with skirt hiked up, the leather of her boots brushing the outsides of Alicia’s thighs. This was the first time Alicia ever had an adult in her lap, and after getting used to the novelty she found she enjoyed the weight of her, being surrounded by the scent of Kalinda’s heady and exotic perfume, while she ran her hands up and down the other woman’s back and cupped her hips and kissed her – again and again and again.  
  
The kissing was incredible -- deep and wet and erotic. The rest took some getting used to; at first she found it bothersome, that Kalinda’s breasts were in the way of them being _fully_ pressed together – but soon she felt herself adjusting, and accepting, and then even liking the way they felt, brushing against her own. Several times, her fingers passed over the bra strap under the thin material of Kalinda’s sweater and they paused; but she couldn’t quite take that next step yet, and was gratified that Kalinda didn’t push it.  
  
A half-hour in, she was still in nirvana, but was worried that Kalinda was getting bored.  
  
“I’m sorry,” she whispered as Kalinda was nuzzling the skin under her ear. “You’re probably used to moving much faster than this, aren’t you?”  
  
“Are you calling me a slut?” Kalinda asked. Alicia was getting better at knowing when she was teasing.  
  
“I’m calling you an adult woman. Which is more than what _I_ feel like right now.” She was embarrassed by her own lack of preparedness in all this.  
  
Kalinda chuckled at that, a low and sexy sound, and through her frustration at the circumstance Alicia still found herself pleased with just how much more Kalinda seemed to laugh than usual, during these private moments together.  
  
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You seem like an adult woman to me,” Kalinda whispered against her neck, gyrating her hips in a slow, seductive movement. “A very… adult… woman.” Each pause was accentuated by a tiny nibble to Alicia’s lower lip, and her eyes rolled back at the sensuality of it all. Damn, what this woman was doing to her.  
  
In the periphery of her awareness, she heard her phone start to ring in her purse… starting out at low volume, and gradually getting louder.  
  
“Tell me you can ignore it,” Kalinda murmured, with a persuasive nip to her jaw line.  
  
But it was a familiar ringtone (chosen by the caller herself) of some godawful teen boy pop idol with bad hair. “No,” groaned Alicia, resting her head against Kalinda’s shoulder for a second. “That would be Grace.”  
  
Kalinda sighed as she dismounted her, settling back into the couch while Alicia got up and fished for her cell.   
  
“This is what you get for dating someone with kids,” she half-scolded, waving an ‘I-told-you-so’ finger while she clicked on the phone. Kalinda merely waved it off.  
  
“Hey honey, what’s going on?” Alicia said into the receiver, hoping she didn’t sound as breathless as she felt.  
  
But Grace was unconcerned with whatever her mother may have been doing before she called, wailing at a grating pitch that her father wouldn’t allow her to go to some rock concert tomorrow with Shannon and would Alicia please explain to him that she wasn’t a child anymore and could make her own decisions about how to spend her Sunday evenings, especially because nothing could go wrong since everybody there was going to be _Christian_. In the time it took Alicia to explain that Grace was expected to abide by Peter’s rules while she was at his place, deal with several variations of the comeback _you guys are so unfair_ , and then call Peter and discuss how to manage Grace’s meltdown after her daughter hung up on her (presumably to cry and die in her bedroom, since her parents _obviously were never going to let her leave_ ), the carefree sexiness of the evening was effectively disrupted.  
  
She groaned and tossed her phone on the sofa cushion in exhaustion when it was over, apologizing profusely to Kalinda, who had been perusing a magazine she’d found during the drama. “I’m so sorry. When they’re here, they act like I’m in their way, but when Peter actually lays down some rules I’m suddenly in high demand again.”  
  
“Kids. It’s almost as if they’re not mature, or something.” Kalinda winked at her and stood, tossing the magazine back onto the coffee table. “It’s okay. I should go anyway. It’s getting late.”  
  
“Funny.” She rubbed her face, feeling guilty as a parent and as a date, pulled in far too many different directions. “Are you sure you can’t stay? I’ve still got that wine.”  
  
“Wine is good. And so are you.” Still, Kalinda was bending over to pick up her coat and bag that had dropped to the floor quickly when they got here, in their impatience for physical intimacy. “Thing is…” She turned back to face Alicia, taking a step closer. “This one-step-at-a-time thing is probably a pretty good idea? But… I’m _not_ a very good girl. And if I stay any longer, we’ll get comfortable again. And I’ll be tempted to do very bad things.”  
  
Alicia couldn’t repress the shiver that ran through her, as Kalinda placed a hand on her hip and breathed enticingly across her lips. “Yeah?” she asked, and was proud that she managed to respond at all.  
  
“Yeah. So I’m going to go home and go to bed. Where I’ll think about those bad things. Until next time.”  
  
“Next time,” Alicia whispered, and it got lost in Kalinda’s mouth for a lingering goodbye kiss.  
  
After Kalinda left, Alicia walked dazedly to the sofa, and despite the unexpected family drama this evening, she collapsed with a giddy burst of laughter – as if she were a sixteen-year-old girl who’d just been asked to the prom.  
  
It was hard to tell yet, but maybe this gay inter-office dating thing wasn’t so bad, after all.

  
\--

  
Work was busy… almost overwhelmingly so, and the kids were being difficult most of the time during the week when Alicia had them, so for the next month it was anticipating her weekend dates with Kalinda that kept her feeling energetic and sane. They went out for drinks twice, and dinner again once, and one time – shockingly, at Kalinda’s suggestion – they stayed in at Alicia’s for the evening and watched movies together. They never had talks about what they were doing (thank God; Alicia wouldn’t even know what to say); there were no more shocking revelations, and just like before they started all this, Kalinda was happy to keep their conversations geared away from anything personal about herself or her life outside of work.   
  
Twice, while they were out, they ran into people they knew; once, an old client, the next time, a judge from the circuit court and her husband. Both times, Alicia felt color rise in her face as they made small talk; surely, they’d been ‘caught.’ But nobody ever batted an eye – what was odd about two female colleagues going out to dinner together? It felt relieving and naughty and so very strange, to be hiding (were they hiding?) in plain sight.  
  
As bizarre as it should have felt to Alicia, to be sharing so much of herself and her time with someone who was such a closed book, it felt oddly relieving for it to be so consistent – this was the same Kalinda she’d come to admire and respect and care for during their time at work. Alicia might not have known much about _who_ Kalinda was, but she was learning more about _how_ she was. And she found that she was liking it very much.  
  
Kalinda liked old movies with Lauren Bacall because she admired her class; the cool, confident way she carried herself, like she didn’t know or care that she was young, and that women weren’t supposed to be bad-ass back in that time. Kalinda could (and would) drink coffee late into the evening without getting insomnia or the jitters, and gave Alicia a sly smile when she mused enviously about the resilient bodies of younger women. But when she _did_ get tired, Kalinda’s accent would slip, just a little – into something lilting and exotic that drove Alicia’s curiosity wild.  
  
Kalinda had a spot, right above her collarbone, that without fail made her suck in a sharp breath when Alicia kissed it or traced it with her tongue.  
  
And, more than she would have ever given her credit for, Kalinda was patient. It was obvious that Kalinda wanted her. Alicia saw it in the way Kalinda looked at her (not at work -- at work, Kalinda’s poker-face was legendary, but after-hours her guard dropped, and her eyes traced Alicia’s body like a silken caress); and she certainly felt it in the way Kalinda touched and kissed her. But at the end of their dates, Kalinda would always gently disentangle herself from their embraces and take her leave, when she could have _easily_ convinced Alicia to, as she had put it, ‘do very bad things.’  
  
In fact, it was that first movie-night when Alicia started feeling like the pushy one in this relationship. The credits had long since rolled, their empty wine glasses abandoned on the end table, and Kalinda’s hands were up her shirt. And those soft, small, skilled fingers were doing things over Alicia’s bra that were driving her absolutely crazy. It had been so damn long for her, that all this extended foreplay had turned her into a single-minded, sex-crazed person who she didn’t recognize. Suddenly, she didn’t care one lick that she didn’t exactly know what she was doing, or where this was all going – just as long as Kalinda never stopped doing _that_. She’d figure out all the rest as she went along.  
  
“Please… let’s just… I’m ready,” Alicia gasped out. She had no idea if it were true or not, but her body was throbbing, craving more relief than her own hands could give her tonight after Kalinda left, and she would have said _anything_.  
  
Kalinda sighed, half-sprawled over Alicia on the sofa and most definitely interested in her breasts tonight. “You’re horny. That’s different than being ready.”  
  
“No it’s not. You’re trying to torture me,” Alicia groaned, and Kalinda chuckled against the suddenly-not-low-enough neckline of her top.   
  
In retaliation, Alicia kissed _that spot_ that made Kalinda shudder softly and lose her mischievous smile.  
  
Yeah. Kalinda wanted her. But she still stuck to the 'one step at a time' plan with dogged determination.  
  
Alicia wondered if maybe Kalinda were having sex with other people, and _that’s_ what made it so easy for her to go slow. The thought made Alicia uncomfortable, and she pushed it aside because such things only mattered if they were _serious_. Which, of course they weren’t.   
  
Still, serious or not, it was becoming… habit, was maybe the word. Something that she counted on, whether or not she should. And _that_ actually made her feel more comfortable with the whole situation, because, well – stability and routine were kind of her things.  
  
Her growing comfort also presented her with a new dilemma – what, if anything, to tell the kids.   
  
Some days Zach and Grace seemed to mostly understand why she’d had to do what she’d done in regards to the divorce, and didn’t treat her much differently than they ever had. Other times, they seemed sullen, resentful – although they _were_ teenagers, and maybe that was to be expected, divorce or no.   
  
However they acted, they were her children, and if the past few years taught her anything it was that no good ever came from withholding honesty from them. So one Monday evening, she tried to get their attention after they had eaten.  
  
“I’ve been going on a few dates with someone,” she told them. “It’s not exactly serious, but… I don’t want to lie to you about it.”  
  
Grace’s expression was one of distaste as she glanced over from the computer game she had been focused on. Zach looked… not pleased, but not as unaccepting as his sister.   
  
“You and Dad just got divorced, Mom. You sure you’re ready for that?” Zach asked, and Grace was right on his heels with, “We don’t have to have some gross dinner with him, do we?”  
  
“I’m not sure what I’m ready for,” she said honestly, choosing to answer Zach’s less insulting question. “But right now I’m just enjoying this person’s company, and I wanted you to know that.”  
  
Apparently satisfied that there was no imminent danger of a “gross dinner,” Grace turned back to her computer game without a second look. Zach was a bit more empathetic, giving her a quick squeeze on the shoulder. “We just want you to be happy,” he told her. And then he disappeared into his room for the rest of the night.  
  
And Alicia was satisfied that she had been sufficiently honest with the kids, but not so overly detailed as to cause significant distress where it wasn’t warranted. And she tried to ignore the fact that by telling the kids _anything_ , it made her relationship with Kalinda something _more_ than a private understanding between the two of them, and automatically raised the stakes. 

  
\--

  
One Friday afternoon, Kalinda poked her head into Alicia’s office, scanning the room to make sure they were alone. “What are you doing this evening?”  
  
They hadn’t made plans, so Alicia scrunched her nose in curiosity. “The usual. Dropping the kids off. Dinner. Maybe some errands. Why?”  
  
“You wanna hang out?”  
  
Hang out? This was new. “At my place?” Then she felt stupid, because Kalinda’s place was, and would likely always be, a fortress of mystery.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
She gave Kalinda a suspicious look. “You just want to torture me some more, don’t you?”  
  
A ghost of a smile appeared on Kalinda’s face. “Nope. Not this time.”  
  
Alicia had been almost joking, but when the meaning implicit in Kalinda’s words registered, her heart slammed into her ribcage and her jaw dropped open. Her expression must have been priceless, because Kalinda’s smile grew more amused. “I… uh… okay.”  
  
“I’ll be over around nine?”  
  
“Sure,” Alicia forced out. How did this woman _always_ manage to set her off-balance?  
  
“Great. And Alicia? Don’t dress up.” There was mischief in her voice.  
  
“…Or at all?” It came out of her mouth without permission, shocking even her, but once it did she was pleased with herself because really, Kalinda _deserved_ to be teased in return.  
  
Kalinda opened her mouth, still smiling, obviously delighted and maybe proud at the appearance of Alicia’s moxie. “Oh, that’s _good_.” She pointed at her and winked. “See you later.”  
  
That night, Alicia shuttled the kids off to Peter’s in record speed (shooing them fast enough that Zach accused balefully, “Jeez Mom, are you _trying_ to get rid of us or something?” And she felt awful because the truthful answer was _yes_ ). There were no errands done, and barely even eating – but rather a flurry of tidying and grooming during which she cursed herself for being so neurotic, and vowed she’d convince Kalinda to host their next ‘get-together’ because there was no _way_ she could stress herself out like this every week.  
  
When the doorbell rang, she nearly jumped out of her skin. _Jesus_. She hadn’t been this on edge since… well, since her first _just coffee_ date with Kalinda. She’d thought she was over that.  
  
Opening the door, she found Kalinda looking exactly as she always did. Which made _Alicia_ feel underdressed in her Georgetown t-shirt and jeans (even if said jeans _were_ chosen for the flattering way they hugged her curves).  
  
Kalinda also had a black leather bag the size of a small suitcase.   
  
“What’s _in_ there?” Alicia asked, mystified.   
  
Kalinda breezed past her. “I have a surprise for you.”  
  
Alicia blinked. Kalinda wasn’t really the present type. “You got me a gift?”  
  
“Something like that.” Kalinda was already at the other side of the living area, and then paused when she noticed Alicia wasn’t following her. “Bedroom?”  
  
This was going from ‘one step at a time’ to ‘huge flying leaps’ faster than Alicia could comprehend. “Alright,” she drew out slowly. “You’re… really not messing around, are you?”  
  
As Alicia trailed behind, Kalinda’s laugh sounded out of the bedroom, followed by, “It’s looking really great!”  
  
She had almost forgotten Kalinda hadn’t seen her bedroom since it had belonged to her and Peter. Now, it was all yellows and greens and ivories, and felt much warmer to her – and much more her own. “You think?” She entered, and found Kalinda sitting her on her bed, unlacing her boots.  
  
“Absolutely. Can you turn the lights down a little?”  
  
This… was all feeling a little orchestrated, but she felt in no position to deny Kalinda, especially after she’d practically _begged_ for this the past few times they’d gotten together. She wandered to adjust the brightness of the lamp in the corner, watching the woman on the bed curiously the whole time.  
  
When Kalinda stood after placing her boots to the side of the bed, she was about three inches shorter than Alicia had ever seen her, and Alicia felt so disconcerted _she_ almost needed to sit down.   
  
“Towel?”  
  
“Pardon?” Alicia’s eyes widened.  
  
“Do you have a towel?”  
  
“Uh… yes, in the bathroom?”  
  
“Oh, perfect.” Kalinda disappeared into the adjacent bathroom and returned a second later with a towel... it was light-blue, colored to match the old shades of Alicia’s bedroom before she’d changed it. Unfolding and shaking it, she spread it out evenly in the center of the bed. “Okay, I’m going to go get a few things ready; take off your clothes and go lie down on your stomach.” And then she was off again.  
  
Alicia had a split second of terror where she was absolutely certain that this was all a very big mistake; that Kalinda’s idea of sex and relationships was obviously something entirely straightforward and no-nonsense and rather than be made love to, she was about to be _broken in_ , and the smartest thing she could do would be to run. And _fast_.  
  
And then, reason hit her.  
  
“You’re going to give me a massage?” she asked wonderingly.  
  
Kalinda was rustling around in the bathroom. “Is that okay?” she called out.  
  
Alicia nearly burst into relieved laughter. “ _God_ yes.” She was at first just thankful that this wasn’t some sort of utilitarian sex-by-numbers thing, but she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d had a good massage. “That would be wonderful.”  
  
“I was hoping you’d think so.”   
  
The tension broken, it was almost easier for her to undress now than it would have been without the previous moments of panic. She laughed to and at herself as she pulled her shirt over her head, folding it neatly and placing it on the cream-colored chair by the lamp. Her jeans followed, and her socks. She hesitated just a few seconds before taking off her bra, but left on her black bikini panties – perhaps she’d get to the point where she could give up all modesty, but for now…  
  
Yes. Small steps. She climbed gingerly onto the bed, where she lay every night; but her body was humming with something new, and everything felt a little different.  
  
Alicia heard, rather than saw Kalinda come back to the bedroom, her bare feet padding softly on the floor, and it was momentarily odd not to hear the click of her boots. Alicia imagined what she must look like to Kalinda, sprawled out here with only her black panties and all else just pale, smooth expanse of skin, and she shivered at her own vulnerability. Squeezing her eyes shut, she felt the other woman climb onto the bed, and then straddle her hips, the weight of her a pleasant pressure. Peeking down the side-length of her own body for a second, Alicia saw one of Kalinda’s legs, clad in what looked to be dark yoga pants.  
  
This was _all_ different.  
  
But okay. Good, even.  
  
There was the sound of lotion leaving a bottle, and then Kalinda rubbing her slick hands together, and then the scent of coconut in the air. Alicia breathed deeply.  
  
“You like that?” Kalinda questioned.  
  
Alicia nodded into her pillow.  
  
“Best part?” She lowered her voice, as if conspiring. “It tastes good, too.”  
  
It was, of course, meant to be provocative, and it worked. The nervousness Alicia was feeling had already begun to settle into something more comfortable, and now warm embers of heat were beginning to grow in her belly -- especially when Kalinda’s hands pressed against her bare skin for the first time.  
  
Those hands were small, but strong, and firm – Alicia wasn’t surprised by that. Nor was she surprised by the masterful strokes, up and down her back, and over her shoulders, that told her that this certainly wasn’t the first time Kalinda had done this.   
  
She tried to be quiet, and simply enjoy the pleasure of Kalinda’s touch. But…   
  
“This is really nice of you. To do this for me.”  
  
“You’re always taking care of everyone. You deserve a little something in return.” Kalinda leaned down, rubbing down the sides of her shoulder-blades a little deeper. “Besides, I figured you might need to relax a little.” And this was the moment Alicia realized that the woman on top of her didn’t have her shirt on, either – and the first time she had to physically repress a whimper. But then Kalinda whispered “ _Relax,_ ” again, into her ear, and kept touching her in that magical way that was simultaneously soothing and arousing, and she felt herself melting into the mattress.  
  
Still, in that little part of her mind that she could never quite turn off, she wondered why this was happening tonight – it all felt so intimate and lovely and unexpected, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. And then, she felt silly about _wanting_ to make something of it, when what it _was_ , was just wonderful.   
  
She was silent for long moments, considering; loving the way this felt, skin-on-skin and so very inviting, but feeling something was missing and _needing_ to know what it was – the things that Kalinda held back, even as she was giving.  
  
“Kalinda?”  
  
“Hmm?” Her hands slid smoothly down the backs of Alicia’s arms, and back up again.  
  
“How old were you? When you got married?”  
  
Predictably, those hands on her back paused… but only for a split second, before Kalinda recovered. Alicia almost expected a complete deflection, but instead got, “Too young.” Then, even an elaboration: “Not just for me. For anyone.”  
  
Alicia felt her heart twinge. She didn’t know why she was pushing now; maybe she figured, with Kalinda half-naked on top of her, she’d be more honest – emotional vulnerability to match the physical. “And how did you get out?”  
  
This time Kalinda wasn’t surprised, so she stayed in motion; but it was probably still a moment or two until Alicia got a verbal response. “Ways I don’t particularly like to think about.”  
  
It’s what Alicia figured. She pressed her ear to the pillow, knowing she should stop now before Kalinda got annoyed with her. But her lips felt as loose as her body was becoming. “Is that what Blake is holding over you?”  
  
Now, Kalinda leaned down again, rubbing Alicia’s shoulders while her nipples brushed against her back. “Alicia? I don’t want to talk about Blake right now.” Her breath moved the strands of hair lying across the shell of Alicia’s ear.  
  
“You know it’s not about Blake,” Alicia murmured, but with the increased body contact and the way Kalinda was tracing her tongue across Alicia’s earlobe, it became more difficult to maintain indignation.  
  
“No. It’s really not. It’s just you and me, here.” Kalinda arched her back, pressing the full of her breasts against Alicia now and massaging her body with her own.  
  
She really didn’t play fair. But she also had a point. This was something Alicia – both of them? – had been waiting a long time for, and now Alicia was taking the focus away from it.  
  
“Turn around,” Kalinda whispered, and those two words sounded like the most titillating dirty talk. She eased off of Alicia, and the cool air that rushed in caused goosebumps to form down Alicia’s back.  
  
Her arms felt rubbery as she used them to push herself up and turn around on the bed, facing Kalinda mostly naked for the first time. Her first instinct was to avert her eyes; of course she’d seen nude women before, but she’d been conditioned from early locker room days to look away – of _course_ , you didn’t stare at other women’s breasts.   
  
She overcame it fast, because this was _Kalinda_ , and there was no way she _couldn’t_ stare. And when she did, she had a moment of awe, followed by a stab of insecurity.   
  
There was no doubt that Kalinda had slept with younger women before. Probably little tight-bodied things with perky breasts and perfect skin and _certainly_ no stretch marks from having two kids. Women like Kalinda herself.  
  
God, Alicia had _forgotten_ that along with the excitement of sleeping with someone new, inevitably came the terror of being rejected by them. Of being compared to others, and coming up lacking. She had to force herself to meet Kalinda’s eyes.  
  
But Kalinda’s eyes were busy taking a slow and wicked journey of their own. And they looked very, very satisfied. She hooked her thumbs into Alicia’s bikini panties – the last barrier between them. Slowly, Kalinda eased them down her legs, her fingers like dark paintbrushes against the pale flesh of Alicia’s thighs.  
  
 _Oh God. This was going to happen._  
  
Kalinda moved back up; leaned down to kiss Alicia’s lips, deep and slow. And then she began to move downward.  
  
Alicia gasped as Kalinda’s lips brushed the tops of her breasts. “I have to tell you something.”  
  
“Mmm. Do you really?” Tiny hands, framing her pale breasts as she kissed them.  
  
“Yes! I… _dammit_ …” Talented lips, pulling at her nipples and tongue fluttering against them.  
  
“Why do you want to talk so much?” Nose nuzzling the bottoms of her breasts, mouth tickling at her ribs with a maddening and arousing touch.   
  
“I… I…” Her coherence was on a descent as slippery as Kalinda’s mouth down her stomach. “I told the kids I was seeing someone.”  
  
Kalinda’s lips paused against the skin of Alicia’s belly, her eyes flicking upward. “Are you trying to get me to stop?”  
  
“ _No_ ,” Alicia moaned, her dissent satisfying Kalinda enough to immediately continue her journey, tongue swirling lazily over Alicia’s hipbone. “I just wanted to… _oh_.” Kalinda was blowing a hot breath of air across her sex, her clit both delightfully and distressingly trigger-happy, and it was clear that there was no way she was going to be able to verbalize what was shorting out in her mind – even if she wanted to.  
  
Things like how she didn’t _do_ this with people she didn’t care about in some sort of true and profound way. How, even as a college student, when a little making out was the most harmless thing you could do with someone, she _still_ felt guilty after the occasional frat-party kiss with guys she didn’t know – and if their hands began to roam, she was out the door no matter _how_ drunk she was. It had nothing to do with her morals, and _everything_ to do with the person she was.  
  
Like how all she wanted was some small indication that this meant something to Kalinda, other than a fun, sexy friendship and a pleasant diversion.  
  
But then Kalinda’s mouth was on the most private and sensitive part of her. And then, her focus shrunk until there was only one damn thing she wanted in the universe.  
  
Kalinda took a long, slow lick from bottom to top. Then another. Then another. And then she paused and released a contented sigh.   
  
“Baby,” she murmured. “You taste _so fuckin’ good_.” And then her tongue was back in motion, and Alicia’s head slammed back against the pillow.  
  
Maybe it was the term of endearment, so completely unexpected. Maybe it was the way Kalinda’s accent rolled over that curse, or the way her tongue rolled over Alicia’s clit, or the way her fingers seemed to be everywhere at once – inside Alicia, fluttering over her inner thighs, pinching at her nipples – or maybe it was the anticipation, weeks of teasing and foreplay and curiosity leading to this very moment. Whatever the reason, the pure sexual sensation hit her like an earthquake; impossibly moving, shattering, reducing her to a helpless and moaning creature who could only fist the sheets in her hands and whimper in mindless pleasure.  
  
Maybe this was why Kalinda had waited so long – to ensure that when it _did_ happen, Alicia’s world would be rocked and her brain practically scrambled by how incredible it felt. If that were the case, it worked – it happened blindingly fast, and so easy, and as soon as that climax hit, some small part of her was convinced that this had ruined her on any other lover she might ever have again. No one but Kalinda could do it quite like _this_.  
  
Just as quickly afterward came a sense of terrible selfishness; that Kalinda had been so freely giving her pleasure, while Alicia had barely touched her in return. Yes, Kalinda was the one with experience, but Alicia had always prided herself in being a generous lover, and there was really no excuse for how much she’d been taking.  
  
Before the tremors of her orgasm had even begun to subside, Alicia had hauled Kalinda up by the shoulders, demanding lips smashing against hers while she thrust a hand between her legs. Through the thin material of her yoga pants, Kalinda felt scorching hot and very, very damp.  
  
Kalinda gasped against Alicia’s mouth at the unexpected (and likely clumsy) gesture, pulling back a bit. “Whoa! Whoa.” She swiped a thumb across Alicia’s lower lip, then pushed her mussed hair behind her ear. “It’s okay to just relax and enjoy it for a little while. Just… catch your breath, okay?” Kalinda chuckled.  
  
For some ironic reason, the command to _relax_ sent a stab of anxiety through Alicia. “But you’ve been making me feel so good. I just want to…”  
  
Kalinda lifted Alicia’s hand from its busy attempts at evening the score; brought it to her lips and kissed Alicia’s fingers in a surprisingly tender gesture. “Typical.”   
  
“What?” The word drew out longer than Alicia intended, making her sound a little like a child whose toy was taken away.  
  
“Needing the person you’re having sex with to get off – or else you feel like something’s wrong with you. All you straight women are the same that way.”  
  
Forgetting about the accusation (or why it would be such a bad thing) for the moment, Alicia burst out in breathless laughter. “I can’t believe that you still see me that way, after…” She gestured to her nakedness, and then to Kalinda’s, and then dissolved into giggles again. All that delicious post-orgasm oxytocin kicking in.  
  
Kalinda gave her a half-smile, but not the full satisfaction of laughing too. “That’s not how you see yourself?”  
  
Her chuckles faded as she settled back into the pillows. “I guess I used to, but… the whole black-and-white thing never did work out so well, for me.”  
  
“Fair enough.” Kalinda placed a palm onto her chest, letting it drift down the still-slick skin. “Well. We’re in no hurry. I’m going to take a shower, and give you some time to decide exactly what shade of gray you want to be. And then I’ll come back and… we’ll reevaluate. Good?”  
  
“Fair enough,” Alicia agreed with reluctance, sighing as she closed her eyes. The adrenaline was slowly draining from her body, and a little time to rest before considering other... _activities_ … actually seemed very nice. She smiled contentedly as she felt a kiss pressed to her forehead.  
  
She dozed off then; not deep enough to dream, but enough that she didn’t hear the shower turn on, or Kalinda moving about in the bathroom. Her sated body took the rest gladly, but still hummed at a level that guaranteed she’d be awake soon, craving more. Craving more sex? More touching? Simply more closeness, feeling the heat of a warm and soft and _alive_ body, next to hers? It didn’t matter, at the moment. She felt happy and safe and trusting that what came when she woke up, would be as good as what came before she was lost to sleep.

  
\--

  
It couldn’t have been more than fifteen or twenty minutes later, but when she opened her eyes and they found focus, it was on Kalinda again. Her profile was to Alicia as she stood before the vanity mirror wrapped in one of the bathroom’s sky-blue towels, wearing nothing else. And she was brushing her shower-damp hair.  
  
Alicia’s surprise brought more awareness back, as it occurred to her that in their years of knowing one another, she had _never_ seen Kalinda with her hair down.  
  
Kalinda was stunning, always. She was confident, and sexy, and had a wardrobe to die for.   
  
But like this – with loose hair and no make-up and without the uniform of short skirts and stiletto boots – she was achingly lovely. So much so that Alicia’s heart almost stopped, and she didn’t know that she was moving towards Kalinda until her feet swung over the side of the bed and hit the ground. Moth, flame.  
  
Kalinda paused in her brushing when Alicia appeared over her shoulder in the mirror, meeting her eyes there.  
  
“You’re so beautiful,” Alicia whispered, as if it were a confession; one so inadequate in its ability to communicate anything that was inside of her, but all she was capable of in the moment. She put her hands on Kalinda’s bare shoulders, the damp skin smooth and enticing against her warm palms.  
  
Kalinda’s eyes fell shut. She laid the hairbrush on the vanity and leaned back into Alicia’s chest, wet hair pressing against her skin. Alicia’s hands trailed down her arms while she pressed her lips to the curve of Kalinda’s shoulder; the other woman smelled like the light fragrance of Alicia’s own shampoo and soap, but somehow, on _this_ woman, the scent was so much more captivating.  
  
Without conscious thought, her fingers rose to the place where the towel was tucked in place above Kalinda’s breasts; gently pulled it apart. The towel fell to the ground at the same time Kalinda opened her eyes and spun in her arms.  
  
The gaze between them right then was almost fierce. They stood toe-to-toe, both naked and defenseless as they’d ever been in the presence of one another. Kalinda’s breath was quickened; it could have been pure excitement, or arousal, but Alicia imagined there was just a little fear, as well – or maybe she just wanted to feel less alone, in her own.  
  
Alicia wanted this. She _was_ ready. This was the first moment she truly knew it.   
  
She reached out, tangled her hand in that dark, beautiful, loose hair, and pulled Kalinda’s mouth to hers, kissing her slowly and hungrily. And they moved as one person to the bed.  
  
It was different, but not at all. She’d done this before; not with a woman, but the act of exploring another person, awareness honed to their reactions – every sigh or gasp or quiver of the skin, telling her how to uniquely bring pleasure, and how to accept pleasure in return. Kalinda’s body was beautiful to her; every inch a mystery to uncover and understand, and a soft, silky, yielding landscape to traverse slowly with curious fingers and lips. In keeping with their relationship, there was no impatience or rush to completion – just long and luxurious moments, then hours of _experiencing_.  
  
It wasn’t perfect; they didn’t have magical or immediate knowledge of one another’s bodies. They urged each other with guiding hands and breathy vocalizations, learning the other’s most sensitive places, the proper speed and pressure needed at different stages of their arousal. They shared like new lovers and inquisitive students – sometimes gentle, sometimes not, making missteps along the way but learning like quick studies.  
  
And when Kalinda’s completion came – on shuddering breath and clenching fists and a sharp curse – Alicia had a moment of crazy, disproportionate satisfaction; that _she_ was the one who made Kalinda’s composure break, if only for a few seconds. That Kalinda allowed her to witness it.  
  
When Kalinda finally opened her eyes and found Alicia watching her intently from between her legs, a slow grin came across her satisfied face. “You’re so damn proud of yourself, aren’t you?”  
  
“Hell, yes,” Alicia breathed, returning that beaming smile, and they laughed together as Kalinda urged her up and they collapsed, wrapped up in the sheets and each other.  
  
They stayed that way until morning.

  
\--

  
Something was strange, when she first woke up. Good strange. It took her sleep-fuzzy mind some time to put her finger on what it was, but when she _did_ , it made her smile.  
  
For almost two years now, her first thought upon awakening was what were the trials of the day (both literal and figurative), and how she was going to cope with them. But _today_ , her first thought was…  
  
All the things she was looking forward to.  
  
Alicia was in bed alone, but she could hear stirrings coming from the bathroom and there was no note on her pillow, so she knew she at least hadn’t been _completely_ relegated to one-night-stand status. Stretching luxuriously, she waited for Kalinda to emerge; she herself was now in desperate need of a shower, and she wondered lazily if she could convince Kalinda to join her.  
  
But when Kalinda came out, she was mostly dressed, save for her signature boots and horseshoe necklace, which was laying on the nightstand. Her hair was back up, sleek and no-nonsense, make-up in place, and she looked again like a fashion icon.  
  
“No fair being so put together when I still look like this,” Alicia groused, running a hand through her own tangled hair.  
  
Kalinda gave her an inscrutable smile as she reached over Alicia to grab her necklace.  
  
“You should have woken me up.”  
  
“No, you could use the sleep. I could too, but I have a few things to take care of.” Kalinda’s fingers worked behind her neck with the silver fastener. Alicia began to rise from the bed, meaning to help her, but Kalinda shook her head in the negative – she had this one.  
  
“You sure you can’t stay for breakfast?” Alicia felt disappointed, but not rejected – at least not yet. Kalinda’s work involved even stranger hours than her own, and she should probably feel grateful for them having even the uninterrupted night they had.  
  
“Afraid not.” To the bed’s edge, then, to slide on her boots – perfectly-shaped calves disappearing into laced-up leather. “Thanks, though.”  
  
Alicia surveyed her, trying to size up the situation. Kalinda wasn’t acting… _cold_ , exactly, but maybe distracted, and it was a definite contrast with the intimacy from last night. “That’s too bad.”  
  
Kalinda didn’t agree or disagree; after her boots were firmly laced, she ducked back toward the vanity mirror, second-checking her hair and make-up before she prepared to leave, while Alicia watched on.  
  
“Kalinda?” she asked, tentative. The other woman turned back toward her. “Is this… ever going to happen again?” If this were Kalinda’s way of bowing out of the situation and cooling their relationship, Alicia figured it was better to just be straightforward about finding out.  
  
Kalinda raised her eyebrows. “Why wouldn’t it? If that’s what you want.”  
  
The woman was an expert deflector. “I’m more concerned about what you want.”  
  
In response, Kalinda maneuvered back over to the bed, leaning in to press her lipsticked mouth against Alicia’s. “Don’t worry so much.” And that was the only reassurance she gave before heading out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Alicia had been feeling surprisingly comfortable in the relationship that she and Kalinda had established for themselves, whatever that relationship was – and it had moved at such a relaxed pace that she honestly hadn’t expected the sex to change things that much. And… she wasn’t sure that it _had_ changed. Maybe it was just paranoia, that Kalinda seemed a fraction more distant in the days that followed their first morning-after.  
  
But… they had always been professional at the office, and she preferred it that way. So the business-like coolness between them during business-hours wasn’t a true indication of anything.   
  
Alicia wasn’t really sure what she had expected – not hearts and flowers delivered to her doorstep, certainly. But maybe just some indication that something… well, _special_ had happened. Maybe that indication would eventually come, but it became obvious that it _wouldn’t_ during the work week.

  
\--

  
The Thursday morning meeting with Will, Diane, and the other associates seemed endless, with everyone talking over each other and making Alicia’s head ache. But she was used to being the grounded one, and the diplomatic one, and by the time it was over (although that was twenty minutes late), she was proud at how she held up against her peers and senior associates. As they finished up and the other attorneys filed out the door, Will stopped and made a gesture indicating that she should stay behind in the conference room.  
  
“Yes?” she questioned, as he closed the door all but a crack.  
  
“Hey. You doing alright?”  
  
“Yes. I think so.” She was suddenly concerned. “Has my work been okay?”  
  
“Oh, yeah. Absolutely,” he was quick to reassure her. “You look good.” Then, embarrassment. “Not that you didn’t look good before. You look…” He seemed to search for the word, then settled on, “…happier. Than you did before.”  
  
“Oh.” She stopped to consider that, then realized that in the past few weeks since she received her divorce decree, her mood likely _had_ improved. “I suppose I have been feeling better.”  
  
“I’m glad. I just wondered, since everything is finally wrapped up… how you were _holding_ up.” His smile was genuine in its empathy, and she relaxed, feeling immediately more open.  
  
“I’m holding up fine, I think. It’s tough, though, a lot of the time. Sharing the kids. Trying to navigate the changes. With them. And their father. Sometimes it feels like a minefield.”  
  
“That’s… not surprising in the least. But if anybody can find their way through without exploding, it’s you.” He touched her arm briefly, a supportive gesture. “You’d tell me if you needed anything, right?”  
  
“You gave me a job, Will. A job that has forced me to keep my sanity when it almost felt easier to lose it. I think you’ve more than fulfilled your duties as a friend.”  
  
“Right. It was a big sacrifice to bring a talented and successful lawyer into my firm. I should really be canonized for that one.”  
  
She laughed, and it felt good – the comfort implicit in his teasing. She re-adjusted her self-deprecation with a simple “Thank you. I will let you know if I need anything. But I think things are actually… okay.” Mentally, she knocked on wood.  
  
“Good.”  
  
Although they _never_ discussed their romantic lives, in a sudden surge of curiosity she asked, “How are things with Tammy?”  
  
His eyes got larger in surprise at the unexpected question for a second, before he recovered and responded as if this were a normal thing for them to be talking about. “Good, I’d say. You know, the great thing about dating a sports journalist is that she never wants to ‘have a talk’ during the big game. Sometimes, she shushes _me_.”  
  
That struck Alicia as genuinely funny, and she dropped her head down in a chuckle. “That’s fantastic, Will.” Then she brought her gaze back up to his, and was pleased to find that the lion’s share of strangeness had dissipated. “I’m glad we’re okay.”  
  
He could have pretended to be confused by her meaning, but instead just gave her a smile that was equal parts wistfulness and affection. “Me too, Alicia.”  
  
It felt completely natural to hug him right then; in spite of her concern about staying always-professional in this place, her friendship with Will didn’t deserve to get shunted to the side like it had. And the truth was that, their complicated history aside, she really liked him and _missed_ him, talking like this.   
  
He wrapped his arms around her, and they held each other. Something about it felt strange for a moment and she wasn’t sure why, and then she realized that she had become so used to holding Kalinda, that embracing someone larger and more solid than herself took some adjusting.  
  
Over his shoulder, she saw movement outside the cracked-open conference room door; instinctively, she pulled away. Even though rumors about the nature of her relationship with Will would no longer be quite the scandal they were before her divorce, they just were _not_ conducive to the reputation she wanted to maintain.  
  
But the person who pushed her way through the door wasn’t a gossipy secretary, but Kalinda Sharma.   
  
“You wanted to speak to me about surveillance videos in the Mauldin case?” she addressed Will, barely gracing Alicia with a passing glance.  
  
“Yes! I’m sorry, our meeting ran late.” Will looked unconcerned about what Kalinda may or may not have just witnessed, slipping back into no-nonsense lawyer mode. “Let’s go to my office… Alicia, it was good talking to you,” he said, his voice lowering slightly as he gave her a pat on the arm. “We’ll catch up more sometime soon, okay?”   
  
“Okay.” She gave him a distracted smile, but was now preoccupied with Kalinda, who was checking her watch with a hint of impatience. _Look at me. Smile,_ Alicia willed her. But no dice.  
  
And then both her boss and her… friend? Colleague? Lover?.... were out the door, leaving her with an unsettling uncertainty about what just happened.

  
\--

  
She didn’t see Kalinda for the rest of the day; they didn’t have any social plans until tomorrow and it wasn’t all that unusual, that a day would go by that didn’t necessitate contact between the two of them. Still, Alicia felt a little unnerved, although she wasn’t sure why. There was no such thing as cheating on Kalinda, and even if there _were_ , it wasn’t what she had been doing with Will.   
  
The kids were in an uncharacteristically social mood when she got home, and they cooked dinner together and played cards afterward. Alicia was having a good time, but she caught herself checking her phone several times, hopeful that Kalinda might have checked in – if only to confirm their dinner plans for the next day. Just to make sure everything was normal.  
  
But her phone remained quiet – much quieter than her busy brain.

  
\--

  
Friday morning she stopped in Kalinda’s office first thing.   
  
“Hey.” She poked in. “You have a minute?”  
  
Kalinda glanced up from her computer. “Sure. What’s up?”  
  
Was it Alicia’s imagination, or did Kalinda’s posture seem just a little more rigid? “Nothing, really,” she lied, entering and shutting the door behind her. “We just didn’t see each other much yesterday.”  
  
“Yeah, it was pretty busy.” The younger woman pushed back slightly from her desk, stretching. “I was thinking Korean, for tonight. Or there’s that new Tibetan place Diane was raving out. Any of that sound good?”  
  
But Alicia wasn’t quite ready to move back to small talk, even though she’d invited it. “Actually, I just wanted to tell you…” She paused, trying to decide how to word it. “It was nothing, that you saw yesterday. With me and Will.”  
  
Kalinda’s expression stayed exactly the same as when she was discussing where to have dinner. “You two seemed to be having a cozy moment. Nothing wrong with that.”  
  
With Kalinda, there was no telling whether it were a confrontation, or a mere observation. Her nonchalant tone pointed toward the latter.  
  
“There was a time he and I were good friends. It feels strange to… try _not_ to be.” Alicia observed Kalinda’s reactions for any signs that honesty was welcome, or not. “I guess I’m still trying to figure out where we stand.”  
  
Kalinda’s face and posture revealed nothing, and she turned to the notebook that was on her desk, flipping through it with detached coolness. “If you’re ready for a real relationship, it’s okay if you want to be with him. You won’t hurt my feelings.”  
  
Alicia felt a brief and unexpected surge of irritation – how could Kalinda manage to be so cavalier about _everything_? “That’s not what I’m saying.”  
  
Kalinda glanced up at her tone. “Don’t be so sensitive. I’m assuming that someday, you’re going to want to get married again. Or date a man. Or even just have sex with one.” A thought seemed to occur to her as she cocked her head with a wry smile. “You could invite him to join us, if you like. _That_ might break the ice.”  
  
Once her meaning registered, Alicia’s mouth dropped open. “Kalinda.”  
  
“What?” All innocence, only not one bit of it. “You don’t like the idea? Not even a little?”  
  
How could Alicia even begin to make to her understand it? That although the thought of what Kalinda was suggesting (maybe in jest, but quite possibly not) was an incredibly titillating and not at all unattractive fantasy – this _dating_ thing they were doing would feel a hell of a lot more natural if Kalinda could _pretend_ to feel a little jealous, or possessive. If she could just _act_ like it would bother her at all, if it had to end.  
  
Alicia _couldn’t_ begin to do it, so instead she just responded with a curt, “I’ve got to go; I have some work to do,” leaving Kalinda to watch her exit with her cool and mysterious eyes.

  
\--

  
She was in court all late morning and afternoon, and when she returned to the firm she holed up in her office, doing paperwork and studiously avoiding everyone. It was nearly six in the evening when Kalinda entered without knocking, closing the door behind her and standing stiffly against it.  
  
“I told you if it felt serious, I’d be gone,” Kalinda said, without prelude.  
  
Well. _Someone_ had realized that Alicia was feeling frustrated. But Alicia didn’t need Kalinda to explain to her the concept of informed consent. “Yet here you are. And you don’t look very _not serious_.” It came out sounding bitterer than she’d intended, and she immediately felt bad. _This_ is what she’d been trying to avoid – the resentment and awkwardness that always followed when the 'giving things a shot' didn’t work out. It drove her crazy, that she’d mostly avoided it with Will… only to run headlong into the problem with Kalinda.  
  
Kalinda pressed her back against the door, and it was one of the first times Alicia had ever seen her look a little frustrated. “You act like you’re the only one who doesn’t usually do things like this.”  
  
Alicia looked at her in disbelief. She wasn’t well-versed in the details of Kalinda’s past relationships (or non-relationships, as the case may be), and she didn’t particularly want to be, but she’d gotten enough of a vibe with Kalinda and other people, to know Kalinda’s sexual experiences weren’t a rare occurrence. “At least you’ve done ‘things like this’ _ever_.”  
  
“Not usually with people I _like_.”   
  
It was a strange realization, that after everything that had happened and everything they’d done, this was the first time Kalinda had actually told Alicia, out loud, that she liked her.  
  
“I’d rather have sex with people I hate,” she continued. “When you have sex with people you like, it’s all fun and good times until one person disappoints the other. Then there’s the inevitable weirdness, and before you know it you don’t have the sex, or the friend anymore. At least the other way, you don’t lose anything.”  
  
Alicia rubbed her head tiredly. “Why did you ask me out to begin with, Kalinda? If you’re so concerned about not caring for anyone. If it’s so important to avoid ‘weirdness.’ What’s the point?”  
  
“I asked for the same reason that you accepted.”  
  
“And why’s that?”  
  
“Because… maybe.”  
  
“Maybe _what_?”  
  
She shrugged. “Just… maybe.”  
  
Alicia wasn’t sure she was cut out for any kind of a relationship with Kalinda. She cared about her, and found the intrigue and mystery of the woman to be more alluring and sexy than anything else but – at times like this, it only made her want to wring Kalinda’s pretty little neck.  
  
Leaning back in her chair, she regarded Kalinda across her desk, as coolly as she could manage. “Look. I don’t require that you share all your secrets. But after the experience I just had, and the relationship I just got out of, I _do_ need emotional honesty in matters that involve me. I’d need it from a sister or lover or friend, with benefits or not, not just someone I was picking out china patterns with. So if that makes it too serious for you then… this is more wrong for you, than it is for me.”  
  
Kalinda’s arms crossed over her chest, a protective stance; Alicia could almost see the elaborate processing of information going on inside her brain. “What do you want to know?”  
  
Alicia considered it. “Are you dating or having sex with anyone else?”  
  
“No.” That one came pretty easy.  
  
“Do you want to?”  
  
A brief hesitation. “Not really, no.”  
  
“If I wanted to, would it bother you?”  
  
Kalinda – unflappable Kalinda – was now the closest to squirming that Alicia had ever seen her. Pausing. Hedging. Avoiding.  
  
Just when Alicia thought it was Kalinda’s turn to do the ‘I have to go’ routine… “Yes.”  
  
Like Kalinda had done with her, when Alicia was a confused and nervous mess about coffee, and dates, and the first time they’d slept together, and a million other times in the past several weeks that had required Kalinda’s patience and understanding and a softer touch – Alicia took mercy on her at this moment.  
  
“Okay, then,” she replied quietly. “That’s all.”  
  
Kalinda blinked at her. “That’s all?”   
  
She nodded. “That’s all. Are we still having dinner tonight?”  
  
Kalinda’s eyes were not quite meeting hers right now… as if she were now embarrassed of some deep, shameful secret she’d revealed. “Yeah. Dinner sounds good.”  
  
“Alright then. I have some things to finish up, then I have to drop off the kids... and we’ll go.”  
  
And then Kalinda was gone.  
  
And whether either of them wanted it to, or were ready for it… things suddenly seemed just a little more serious.  
  
Maybe.

  
\--

  
That evening as she dropped off Zach and Grace, Alicia barely got a kiss from them before they were off to their rooms; their father’s place was bigger than Alicia’s, with fancier video games and electronic toys, and apparently being away from them for a moment longer was asking too much. She shook her head as they bounded up the stairs, while Peter looked on with amusement.  
  
“They’re still good kids,” he promised her. “They still love you.”  
  
“I know that,” she sighed. “But they’re pretty sparing on the demonstration of it.”  
  
“Well, it’s not because they’re saving it for me, I assure you.”  
  
She gave a suspicious but accepting look. “Okay. I’ll pick them up after dinner time on Sunday?”  
  
“Sure.” He escorted her to the foyer, put his hand on the doorknob, then paused. “Grace told me you’re seeing someone.”  
  
Alicia had expected those beans would get spilled at some point. “Grace is right.”  
  
Peter hovered, waiting a bit to see if she’d offer up any more information, and when she didn’t, followed with, “…anybody I know?” And even though he said nothing further, she heard _“…_ _like that guy you work with?_ ” as clear as day.  
  
She offered a tight smile. “If and when I have a relationship with someone that affects our children and our parenting of them, I will be happy to share that with you.”  
  
He visibly struggled for a moment; Peter knew very well that Alicia owed him little aside from respect as the father of her children, and typically did well at tamping down his feelings of entitlement toward her and her new life apart from him. But he was still not the type of man who dealt well with being kept in the dark or on the sidelines, so this new development was likely going to be niggling at him.  
  
But in the end, he was a diplomat. He smiled back, although it didn’t reach his eyes, and he squeezed her shoulder. “Take care of yourself, Alicia. You deserve the very best things.”  
  
Alicia found, for the first time since before she could remember, she actually believed it.

  
\--

  
Alicia wasn’t sure what to expect, after her earlier confrontation with Kalinda. She’d always known her colleague to be guarded and secretive, and it was unsurprising that these qualities extended past Kalinda’s history, to her feelings – and it was obvious that Alicia insisting upon honesty had pushed Kalinda over the edge of her comfort zone. How _far_ over the edge was uncertain; Alicia could only hope it wasn’t too much to recover from, and she waited anxiously to see if anything had changed.  
  
And during dinner that first night, she was almost frustrated into believing that _nothing_ had changed; nothing good, in any case. Kalinda seemed distracted, aloof, and as much as Alicia wanted to give her leeway for licking her wounds, it drove her a little mad that _this_ is what their fun, sexy, and wonderful new relationship had descended into – and part of her regretted ever sleeping with Kalinda (no matter how wonderful it felt), if _this_ were the result. By the time the check came and Kalinda had barely looked straight at her during the whole meal, Alicia had nearly been ready to throw in the towel; she couldn’t do this. There was nothing mature or healthy or _fun_ about this.  
  
But afterward, as they waited for the valet to bring the car around and Alicia sighed and held herself in the cold night, assuming that tonight would be the one where she and Kalinda would have to have _that talk_ about how they weren’t in the same places right now and they should probably just cool it lest their friendship be permanently damaged – that was when Kalinda surprised the hell out of her.  
  
It took a second to register, after Kalinda reached over and took Alicia’s hand in hers; Alicia looked down dumbly as their fingers intertwined, and then back up at the other woman’s face, as if waiting for the punch line. They had never, ever been overtly affectionate in public.  
  
Kalinda’s eyes held no answers; but compared to the coolness in the restaurant, they now gleamed with something new.  
  
When the car pulled up and the valet exited, Kalinda didn’t release Alicia’s hand. The valet didn’t blink an eye as he regarded them – either it was nothing new to him, or he was well-trained not to react to such things.  
  
Alicia’s fingers trembled a bit as she tipped him with her other hand. This stranger now believed… _knew_ … that she and Kalinda were _together,_ and that simple fact caused an exaggerated anxiety and thrill to roll over her.  
  
They separated to enter their respective doors of the car; once Alicia was seated and buckled and pulled away from the restaurant, her heart was still racing, not entirely sure what just happened.  
  
But Kalinda wasn’t done with the surprises; her fingers tickled up Alicia’s inner thigh, and ended at the seam of her pants. Alicia very nearly swerved off the road.  
  
“This is not safe,” she told Kalinda on a sharp intake of breath.   
  
Kalinda’s eyes glittered under the passing streetlamps. “You asked if it were ever going to happen again. How does now work for you?”  
  
Alicia forgot about speed limits on the way back to her apartment.

  
\--

  
Things _did_ change after that; not quite in the ways Alicia might have expected, or wanted, but in a way that she found very difficult to protest or change or stop. Kalinda didn’t appear to much want to go out for dinner, or drinks, or even to stay in and watch television or movies anymore. And she certainly didn’t seem to want to talk.  
  
What Kalinda wanted to do, was fuck.  
  
If that wasn’t apparent after the last time, it became so during the next Monday morning staff meeting. Alicia had been listening intently to Will and Diane go back and forth about just how they were going to get information entered into evidence that the prosecution staunchly insisted their client did not provide willingly (Kalinda _had_ an email, from said client’s employer’s very own email account, granting her permission to use the flash drive – Kalinda pointed it out all wide eyes and innocence, as if the partners could ever be fooled by that particular look anymore; still, they didn’t question it one bit). Kalinda had been jotting notes with studious focus beside her, when Alicia first felt the brush against her foot under the table. At first she thought it accidental, and she politely shifted away. But then, again – the soft/cool press of leather, whispering against her ankle, gently at first, then more persistent.   
  
She did her best to quell her alarm, switching her eyes over to Kalinda in question. No response from above the table, but underneath the toe of Kalinda’s boot traced lazily up Alicia’s calf.  
  
Feverish heat traveled viscously through Alicia’s body, from the both the stimulation and the risk. She had told Kalinda that her little games in the car weren’t safe, but somehow _this_ seemed much more dangerous. And indeed, when Diane asked Alicia her opinion about the matter at hand, she didn’t hear it until the questioning and concerned “…Alicia?” registered, and she had to write off her distraction and flushed face to the heat of the room.  
  
After the meeting, she went to Kalinda’s office to scold her.   
  
They ended up taking an extended out-of-office “lunch break” at Alicia’s apartment.  
  
And then, there was the Wednesday evening when Kalinda intercepted her in the parking garage, whispering that she didn’t feel like waiting until the weekend and dragging Alicia into her S.U.V. She tore buttons off Alicia’s blouse in her eagerness to touch her breasts, while Alicia trembled in sexual excitement and fear in the darkened corner of the lot, and the occasional click of shoes on the pavement and sounds of employees’ keyless remote entries echoed in the wide open space, reminding her of just _how_ not alone they were.  
  
It seemed all their sexual encounters had taken on this desperate quality, no matter where they were. In bed, Kalinda was aggressive, voracious; barely waiting until their bodies had cooled before her demanding lips were on Alicia’s again, requesting – no, _insisting_ – on more. Alicia was right on the edge of being overwhelmed, and she truly missed the intimacy that had been growing in their relationship before all this started; but the truth was that some previously repressed part of her was _reveling_ in the carnal bliss.   
  
Alicia’s sexuality had been far on the backburner of her consciousness ever since things started fizzling with Peter; she had long ago resigned herself to the fact that, for better or worse, it would never again be a driving force for her. But now, having an embarrassment of excess in opportunity, she was realizing again just how much she _loved_ sex – loved it more now as an older person than she ever did as a younger one -- and her body was all too happy to distract her from the turn her and Kalinda’s relationship had taken, even while her mind worried about it.  
  
All she could do was _try_ to focus on the important things – her kids, and her job – and hang on for dear life while she waited for what semi-public overture Kalinda would surprise her with next, and try to ignore what the consequences might be if the risks she _(they)_ were taking didn’t pay off. In the moment, however, those risks always seemed to be completely worth it.

  
\--

  
The night all hell broke loose started with refined elegance. It was a Friday night. The firm had received an enormous check from a class-action suit with an embarrassing number of millions in punitive damages, and it was the perfect excuse for a lavish dinner and crystal champagne with the clients and the employees responsible for the win – including, of course, Alicia and the case’s champion, Kalinda Sharma.  
  
Alicia had mixed feelings about these events; she enjoyed the people she worked with and didn’t mind spending social time with them, but this _pseudo_ -social, expensive hobnobbing always seemed a bit pretentious, and far too much like the fundraising events she was always required to attend on Peter’s arm. But the food was good, as was the champagne, and Alicia made sure she sat far apart from Kalinda to prevent any of her under-the-table shenanigans. Unfortunately, this also put her far from Will, Diane, or anybody else she would have preferred to socialize with.  
  
But every time Alicia looked over to where Kalinda was sitting, ostensibly making polite small talk with the clients, the other woman seemed to sense Alicia’s gaze, flicking her a hot and mischievous smile. At first Alicia was embarrassed, quickly averting her eyes and checking around to see if anybody was noticing. But after this occurred several times, she noticed that no one was focusing on her or them at all; they were all drunk with victory and tipsy with champagne, and lost in their own conversations – so she became bolder too, forcing Kalinda to be the one to look away first in order to not be _blatantly_ obvious. And once _that_ happened, a heady sense of power took residence inside her. _Two could play this game._  
  
An hour and a half in, she was growing tired of feigning interest in the yacht the gentleman next to her was planning on buying his wife for their tenth anniversary, and more than a little stimulated by her daring exchanges with Kalinda – both across the long table tonight, and all the rest in the past few weeks – and she felt the need to excuse herself to the ladies’ room for a breather from it all.   
  
When she entered the restroom, she nodded politely to the young paralegal who was exiting at the same time and then made a beeline for the large baroque mirror that hung above the sinks, where she regarded herself for a moment. Despite her heavier-than-usual make-up, she looked tired, she thought. Too much sex, not enough sleep, and too many preoccupying and distressing thoughts in the hours she wasn’t doing either of those things.  
  
She needed to talk to Kalinda soon. _Really_ talk, not just exchange superficial words before ending up in bed. (Or the couch. Or the floor. Or the kitchen counter, she remembered, cheeks flushing.) None of this was making much sense.  
  
She missed her.  
  
Alicia didn’t give a second thought to the sound of the restroom door opening while she was touching up her mascara, until she saw the reflection of a familiar face and smirk behind her in the mirror.  
  
“Leaving us all to fend for ourselves, huh?” Kalinda asked her.  
  
Alicia straightened up, tucking her make-up back into her handbag. “Just for a moment. And you seemed to be doing just fine on your own.”  
  
“Mmm. That is what it seems like.” Kalinda took a step closer, dropping her bag on the counter beside the sinks, and tracing a finger along the shape of Alicia’s dress – down the side-seam, and whispering across the material of the skirt. “You look good tonight.”  
  
 _God._ Here? Alicia’s heart pounded impossibly fast. “Oh, no.”  
  
“Just quick,” Kalinda whispered, easing her body forward and pressing it against Alicia’s. Her breath teased along Alicia’s neck, tickling her skin and the apparent exhibitionistic streak she never knew she had.  
  
Still, she made a last, half-hearted effort. “Kalinda,” she hissed, “don’t do this to me. Anybody could walk in.”  
  
“I’m not doing anything to you.” But Kalinda’s voice was sly as she took Alicia’s hand and guided it up her skirt, and the implication was clear – _but you’re going to do something to me._  
  
Alicia’s fingers curled instinctively and found only bare, hot, velvet-soft flesh, and she sucked in a surprised breath and wondered if Kalinda always went without underwear to fancy work functions, or if this were a special occasion. “Oh, God.”  
  
“You wouldn’t leave me hanging, would you?” Kalinda pressed forward against Alicia’s hand, sighing at the pressure. The manipulation was clear, and that made it no less irresistible.  
  
The fleeting thought of protesting once more crossed Alicia’s mind, but then Kalinda’s head tipped back and her eyes fell closed, and she looked so fucking hot and beautiful and _satisfied_ that there was really no other choice than to curse and press Kalinda up against sinks, kissing the lipstick from her mouth and sliding slippery fingers inside and against her. “Hurry,” Alicia begged. “Please.” And it was more about _needing_ to see Kalinda come, than worrying anymore about anybody else stumbling onto them.  
  
Luckily, Alicia was getting good at this; and Kalinda, unsurprisingly, always had somewhat of a hard-on for danger and was probably halfway to orgasm at the dinner table just _thinking_ about this wicked little plan. So it took a mere moment of Alicia’s not-so-gentle handling, and a few well-timed flicks of her clit before Kalinda came, clutching at the counter and squeezing her thighs tight around Alicia’s fingers. Alicia could feel the hot pulsing against her hand, and she nearly purred in satisfaction and triumph and a liquid desire of her very own. This was all so crazy.  
  
“You are so _bad_ ,” she told Kalinda as she pulled her hand away, and even Alicia wasn’t sure if it were a scolding, or a compliment.  
  
“And you are _so_ turned on,” Kalinda smirked, composing herself as she adjusted her skirt and pulled her tube of lipstick from her handbag. Back to propriety, but barely.  
  
Alicia _was_ almost unbearably turned on, and this concern was matched only by how to erase the ‘I just fingered Kalinda Sharma’ look she was _sure_ was all over her face (along with her make-up) before heading back out to the dinner. “Speaking of leaving someone hanging.”  
  
Kalinda shrugged and gave her a small smile and a challenge. “You’re a lawyer. Talk our way out of this place.”  
  
And that’s exactly what Alicia did.

  
\--

  
As Alicia fumbled with her key, Kalinda’s hands were already on her… framing her hips, pressing against the curve of her bottom through the expensive material of her dress, and in general doing things that would raise the eyebrows of any curious neighbors staring out their peepholes.  
  
“What’s gotten into you today?” Alicia asked on a breathless whisper, as if this hadn’t been going on for weeks, cursing as the key stubbornly bumped against the keyhole without entering.  
  
Undeterred, Kalinda ran intrepid fingers down the length of Alicia’s thigh. “You complaining?”  
  
It was far more question than complaint, at the moment.  
  
The lock finally gave way to persistence, and Alicia gratefully stumbled inside the sanctuary of her apartment, Kalinda hot on her heels. As soon as the door was slammed shut behind them, she was turned in Kalinda’s arms, hot mouth pressing Alicia demandingly backward toward the sofa. She nearly tripped on a pile of books lying on the floor, while Kalinda sidestepped them with grace; as if _she_ had been well-trained in the art of doing this dance.  
  
“You know what?” Kalinda whispered against Alicia’s lips before giving her a little push that set her off-balance and falling hard to sit on the couch. “I’ve been thinking about eating you all day. All night at the party.”  
  
It was no coincidence that as soon as the words left Kalinda’s lips, Alicia’s legs fell apart as far as the skirt of her black dress would allow. Memories of that mouth and that _tongue_ were upon her, and the promise of what was to come made her heart race and her panties dampen.  
  
Kalinda knelt between Alicia’s open knees, as close as she could get; smoothed her palms up Alicia’s stockinged calves, and began rolling up the hem of that dark skirt. Once she got mid-thigh, she made a discovery that gave her a pause, then a devilish smile.  
  
“Alicia.” Kalinda hooked a finger into the elastic of one thigh-high stocking, pulling it out an inch before letting it snap back in place. “Is this for me?”  
  
While Alicia may not have thought through it in great detail as she dressed for this event, it was without a doubt that _this_ particular fashion choice was motivated by how inconvenient full pantyhose could be to roving hands and fingers – and how, no matter how dangerous it was, Alicia wanted to be _convenient_ for Kalinda. Instead of confirming with words, she lifted her bottom off the couch seat so that Kalinda could push her skirt the rest of the way up; finally unhindered, Alicia’s knees gaped apart, allowing the other woman to ease in closer.  
  
Alicia wasn’t sure when she became this wanton person, willing to take chances just to steal brief moments or hours of pleasure, but Kalinda did things to her – made her want things that she would have never expected. And that’s why Alicia Cavanaugh Florrick, who in the past had _always_ preferred lovers with broad chests and huge hands and deep, husky voices, was now regarding the fine-featured woman in front of her as if she was and always had been Alicia’s wet dream come to life.  
  
Kalinda was regarding the soaked crotch of Alicia’s panties (at least _one_ of them was wearing panties today), and licking her lips thoughtfully while running her thumbs across Alicia’s inner thighs. Back, forth, back, forth.  
  
“Just _do it_ ,” Alicia ground out, thrusting her hips upward and toward Kalinda’s face, making the other woman laugh softly.  
  
“So impatient,” Kalinda scolded, but took mercy on Alicia, pressing her lips to the wet material. The much-needed pressure made Alicia hiss and flex a hand convulsively against the back of Kalinda’s head; trying to resist the urge to force her to move harder, faster.  
  
“You make me impatient,” Alicia whispered, thighs quivering like bowstrings as Kalinda began pushing aside with her nose the thin strip of material separating them, then finding the method ineffective, pulling it with her teeth.  
  
There was a look Kalinda got each time she tasted Alicia; one of eyelash-fluttering rapture, as if she’d just felt the effects of a potent and fast-acting drug. It had yet to fail at making Alicia feel powerful – _ecstatic_ , that this always cool and composed woman would be so affected by her.  
  
It also made Alicia insanely hot.  
  
There were times when Kalinda would tease her in maddening stages, bring her to the brink of orgasm again and again before withdrawing and beginning that build again. This wasn’t one of those times. After taking that first, shuddering hit, Kalinda dove in, lips pulling and tongue flicking in just the ways she’d learned made Alicia whimper.  
  
Alicia’s hand flew to the armrest, gaining purchase and leverage to thrust up and against Kalinda’s busy mouth. The pleasure was sharp, an explosive end already in sight, and nothing could pull her from this feeling and this moment.  
  
Nothing… except for the faint, but familiar sound of the door being unlocked.  
  
Alicia froze mid-thrust; Kalinda carried on for a split second before registering the change in the woman she was pleasuring, and raising her head, question in her eyes.  
  
From somewhere behind the couch, the doorknob turned and the door cracked open. “Mom? You here?”   
  
Zach.  
  
Alicia’s eyes met Kalinda’s, wild and terrified. The back of the sofa blocked the view from the doorway, but they had approximately two seconds to compose themselves before being caught in a _highly_ compromising position.  
  
Kalinda pushed away and off to the side, while Alicia frantically yanked at her underwear and skirt, smoothing it compulsively and thanking God for the small favor that they hadn’t been completely naked. “Here, honey. Here.” Petrified, but having no other choice before Zach maneuvered around the couch and saw her, she stood to face her son. Kalinda sat stiffly on the sofa, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.  
  
Zach had his backpack slung over his shoulder. He blinked at his mother. “Hey.”  
  
“Hey. What are you doing home?” She fought to control the quiver in her voice.  
  
“I forgot my biology textbook and I need it for my homework this weekend. Dad dropped me off.” Zach’s eyes flitted to the back of Kalinda’s head. “What’s going on?”  
  
“Nothing! Nothing. I just got home a little bit ago and… you remember Kalinda? She works with me at the firm?” She couldn’t seem to get her voice down to an innocent octave.  
  
Having been called out, Kalinda stood as well and turned with reluctance. She gave a half-hearted wave to Alicia’s son.  
  
Zach stared at her. “Yeah, I remember.”  
  
Alicia had been through many, many awkward moments in the past few years of her life, but she was fairly certain that this one won some kind of medal. “Do you… know where your book is?” And as soon as she said it, she remembered tripping over a pile of books as Kalinda pushed her to the couch. A fresh flame stained her cheeks.  
  
“Uh-huh.” Her son walked to the side of the couch… was it her imagination that he was moving tentatively?... and bent over to grab the book. “Are you guys… doing case stuff?”  
  
Oh, God. Here came the moment… the moment when she had to decide between potentially humiliating honesty, and the brief relief of a lie. “Well… we…”  
  
Kalinda interrupted smoothly. “Yeah, we’re doing work stuff. Just wait until you’re done with school; Fridays don’t count as weekends anymore.”  
  
This was all begging the question of why they were dressed up to the nines, while doing ‘work stuff.’  
  
Alicia gaped at Kalinda, not sure how or if to respond to the blatant mistruth.  
  
“Alright.” Zach’s eyes switched between them. “Well… hope you don’t have to work too late. I’ll see you on Sunday, Mom.”  
  
She felt as if she should hug her son, kiss him goodbye, but she felt so dirty and _bad_ , that she couldn’t make herself do it. Instead, she watched as he slipped his biology text into his bag, and bounded out the door.  
  
Both she and Kalinda regarded that door for a good minute or so before the horror of the whole situation finally worked its way through her shock and settled into her consciousness.  
  
“Oh my God,” she moaned, circling back around the couch and flopping down with her face in her hands. “Did my sixteen-year-old son almost find us...?”  
  
“Yup,” Kalinda confirmed. She took a seat beside Alicia, sitting much more primly; on the surface much more composed, but her eyes were looking distinctly deer-in-the-headlights.  
  
“Do you… think he saw anything?”  
  
Kalinda pursed her lips, and shook her head. “Nah. Sofa was in the way.”  
  
Alicia wasn’t beyond begging for reassurance. “Do you think he _knows_ anything?”  
  
“Depends on how badly he wants _not_ to know,” Kalinda shrugged with a nonchalance Alicia couldn’t imagine her _actually_ feeling.  
  
“You know, most parents have a horror story or two about their kids walking in on them? Not Peter and me. We were always careful, and the kids weren’t _that_ curious.” Alicia shook her head dazedly. “Guess that streak was too good to last.”  
  
“Guess so.”  
  
Alicia regarded the woman next to her, shaking her head with incredulity. “I’m sorry. Thank you for being faster on your feet than I was.” She still wasn’t sure if lying to Zach had been the best option, but _something_ had needed to be said, and if Kalinda hadn’t jumped in like she had, Alicia wasn’t entirely sure what would have happened.  
  
“It’s not a problem.” Kalinda stood up, paced a few steps.  
  
Alicia sighed, standing and joining her. “Can we start over again? Maybe we can go get a drink, or…”  
  
Kalinda stopped pacing and turned toward her, cutting her off in a definitive tone. “You can’t do this.”  
  
Her mind was already working on how to handle Zach the next time she saw him, so it took a moment to process Kalinda’s words. “Pardon?”  
  
“This isn’t your life. You’ve got other responsibilities.”  
  
Surely Kalinda wasn’t making the conclusion she appeared to be, because of _this_ one near-miss. “It’s not an emergency situation. He’s sixteen years old; not a little child anymore. I’ll talk to him and if he has questions… well, I’ll deal with them.” Suddenly, being the one who _wasn’t_ overreacting, Alicia saw things in a much more reasonable light.  
  
“You shouldn’t have to. I don’t want you to.” Kalinda paused, her eyes seeming to dart everywhere but Alicia’s face. “I won’t let you.”  
  
Alicia blinked a few times, the information not _wanting_ to process. “Are you… breaking up with me?”  
  
No response.  
  
“You’re breaking up with me,” she repeated, disbelieving. Hardly more than an hour had gone by since Kalinda was coming on her fingers in a restaurant restroom, and _this_ was where they were now?  
  
Something appeared to settle inside Kalinda; any uncertainty in her expression melted into cool reason. “Come on, Alicia. This has been fun. We’ve both enjoyed it, but… there’s always been an expiration date.”  
  
“And I don’t get a say in this.” It was an accusation, rather than a question.  
  
“You aren’t thinking clearly. If you’re honest with yourself, your _say_ was apparent in your first reaction to being ‘found out’ just now. I sincerely hope all this has been useful for you in moving on after the divorce, but… it’s not what you _really_ want.  
  
 _Useful?_  
  
She’d been frustrated with Kalinda before; irritated, angry, even. But for the first time in the history of knowing each other, _fury_ toward this woman bubbled up inside of her. Any intimidation she still felt for Kalinda being tougher, more confident, more experienced in these things, evaporated into pure rage as Alicia took a step toward her.  
  
“I’m not perfect,” Alicia said in a low, barely controlled tone. “I’ve made mistakes, and been confused, and struggled. But I am an _adult_. And you, Kalinda Sharma? You don’t get to _tell me what I want_.”  
  
As close as they had been before and as odd as it had been in the beginning to be the more physically imposing one in a relationship, Alicia hadn’t thought about Kalinda’s _smallness_ in quite a long time; probably because Kalinda’s personality and carriage always made her seem bigger than she was – bigger than _life_.   
  
But now, as Kalinda looked up at her with dark, wide eyes and seemed to shrink in the shadow of Alicia’s anger, she seemed much smaller and younger than she ever had before.  
  
Despite any intimidation she may have felt, Kalinda didn’t back down. “You’re going to realize I’m right, and be grateful. And then, maybe we can be friends again.” There was the slightest of tremors in her voice.  
  
With both of them standing their ground, Alicia was keenly aware of _everything_ ; the sounds of her own breathing, quickened by anger… the heat of Kalinda’s body, so close to hers… the brush of their chests together. Unbelievably, under her frustration and fury, a persistent and lascivious part of her reminded of what had been left undone earlier.  
  
Eyes boring into Kalinda’s, Alicia could see with pristine clarity that she felt it too.  
  
No. _No_. Alicia would not give this woman the satisfaction of kissing her. Of begging her to stay. The primary award Alicia had received in the divorce was her pride, and she’d be _damned_ if she were going to give it up now. So instead, she spoke again.  
  
“Go ahead,” she told Kalinda. “Leave. Walk away. And pretend it’s some sort of favor to me, if that’s what makes you feel better. But don’t expect me to buy your excuses.”  
  
There was a second of hesitation. Kalinda wavered. For one brief moment of time, Alicia thought that maybe…  
  
 _Maybe._  
  
Then Kalinda took a step back, breaking the contact between their bodies, and their gazes. Then another.  
  
“You’ll be grateful,” Kalinda repeated, firmly.  
  
Alicia watched her leave, then; and it was only years of training herself how to control her emotions, that prevented her from picking up something heavy and breakable and hurling it against that closed door.


	4. Chapter 4

There was a lot in Alicia’s past that had made her angry. For the most part she was pleased with how she’d dealt with it; her anger had never made her unfair, or out of control, or (usually) even passive aggressive. She was quick to transition from fury, to annoyance, to cool reason.  
  
This time was different. She felt petty. Like holding a grudge. She didn’t want to see Kalinda, or talk to her, or even say her name.  
  
It wasn’t fair, necessarily; she shouldn’t be angry with Kalinda for not wanting to be with her.   
  
Yet knowing she shouldn’t did not cool her ire one bit.  
  
She’d had no idea where this thing with Kalinda would or could go. Contemplating it gave her anxiety without fail. But despite having no idea what path she’d end up taking, Alicia was infuriated that Kalinda would take that choice out of her hands. That she would keep them _both_ from finding out where it could lead.  
  
That week at work, she avoided Kalinda as if she were being paid to do it. Some days were easier than others, and just required that she stare straight ahead coolly as they passed in the hallways; other days _required_ their interactions about cases, and Alicia made sure they stayed strictly on topic and ended the conversation as soon as humanly possible – even when she felt Kalinda’s questioning eyes lingering on her for seconds afterward, as if requesting some kind of personal acknowledgment.   
  
Alicia refused to give it to her. Not yet.   
  
This went on until the first Friday – maybe because it was about to be the first weekend in _months_ where they didn’t see each other. Alicia was ready to go home and was stepping in the elevator on her way down to her car, and suddenly Kalinda was beside her; whether or not she wanted to remember, it reminded Alicia of her own blitz attack of Kalinda after she’d first asked Alicia out for coffee.  
  
Alicia eyed her warily.  
  
“Are we okay?” Kalinda asked sharply, arms crossed in confrontation stance.  
  
Alicia almost burst out into dry laughter. As if ‘avoiding’ and ‘brusqueness’ could ever be mistaken for ‘okay.’ Kalinda was _much_ smarter than that.  
  
“No. No, Kalinda, we’re not okay.” Alicia hit the ground level button.  
  
It was the closest she’d ever seen Kalinda to pouting – jiggling a little and holding herself more tightly. “I’d expected you to be more mature about this.”  
  
Strangely enough, after how angry Alicia had been, she was feeling some form of bitter amusement at the moment; that she should be the one accused of childishness. “You’ll have to forgive me. I’m hurt, confused, and a little tired of never quite knowing where I stand. So if I’m not being _sufficiently_ mature, you might just have to give it some time.”  
  
Kalinda’s face was earnest and Alicia believed her entirely when she leaned forward a little and said with a softer tone, “I don’t want it to be this way.”  
  
Alicia sighed, resting back against the wall of the elevator car against the sway of descent and closing her eyes briefly. “Kalinda, you know… some things are just the way they are. This isn’t what _I_ want either, but I have to deal with it… badly, or not. I suppose you’ll have to adjust too.”  
  
The other woman dipped her head, obviously unhappy with that particular reply.  
  
Alicia was about to add something else; maybe something snarky about how if Kalinda were waiting for her ‘thank you,’ it wasn’t coming today. But then it occurred to her how exhausted Kalinda looked; even her impeccable make-up couldn’t quite disguise the drooping of her eyes – the puffiness of the delicate flesh around them.  
  
“You look tired,” she observed quietly, instead. Maybe she had looked this way all week; Alicia hadn’t been looking closely enough to tell.  
  
Kalinda’s downcast eyes rose at the (perhaps unexpected) gentler tone. She blinked a few times, as if not sure how to respond. Then: “I haven’t been sleeping very well.”  
  
Alicia’s heart did a strong throb that wasn’t at all comfortable. They stood in silence until the elevator dinged its arrival on the parking level.  
  
Neither of them moved for a second. Their gazes held, and _God_ , for someone who knew exactly what she wanted Kalinda looked so _lost._  
  
And Alicia wasn’t ready to feel bad for her.  
  
“Have a good weekend,” Alicia told Kalinda shortly, before brushing past her. This time, she made herself not look back.  
  
When she got to her car and climbed inside, she let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding; dropping her head on the steering wheel and trying to forget that just maybe, she wasn’t the only one who was hurting.

  
\--

  
Alicia had asked Peter to trade this weekend with the kids, for a few extra upcoming weekdays. She hadn’t intended on making the request, but the closer this Saturday had loomed the more she just didn’t feel like being alone.   
  
On Saturday Alicia took them ice skating at Wrigley and, despite initial complaints of the ‘lameness’ of skating with their Mom, they ended up laughing as they made slow circles around the rink, Zach gently teasing Alicia about her clumsiness and stumbles, holding onto her arm while Grace showed off by twirling about in front of them.   
  
Afterward they went out to eat at some awful fast food restaurant that the kids loved, and it was worth it just to see them giggling while they had milkshake races like they had when they were much younger.  
  
It was a good day.  
  
Hours later, they came home and watched tv for a bit before Grace got a phone call from Shannon; an hour and a half later, she was still happily chattering in her room.   
  
Alicia and Zach were sitting in comfortable silence (or so she thought), while they were watching some reality singing competition. And then he asked, “Did you finish your work?”  
  
“Hmm?”   
  
“Last Friday. You and Kalinda. Did you get it done?”  
  
She’d almost made herself forget about it, with everything that had happened since that night. “Oh! Uh, yes.”  
  
Zach didn’t say anything for a minute, his eyes fixed on the garish lights of the television stage.  
  
Alicia relaxed a bit.  
  
“You said you were dating somebody. Is it her?” Still staring straight ahead.  
  
And there it was.  
  
There was no obfuscating now; no distracting, and no pretending that because it wasn’t happening _now_ , that it never did. And as much as she had dreaded this conversation, it was almost relieving – to stop anticipating, and just _deal with it._ “Yes.”  
  
He finally looked at her.  
  
Alicia had to tamp back the immediate and instinctive urge to start explaining, and over-explaining. It had taken her a _long_ time to process this without someone trying to push her understanding of what she was doing in one way or another – and Zach deserved the same space to come to his own conclusions.  
  
They sat in silence for a few minutes, as he considered the new information, or confirmation. Then… “Is that why you divorced Dad?”  
  
It hurt her a bit, that her son would suspect her of cheating after everything that had happened. “No. We didn’t start anything until after the divorce.”  
  
“No.” Zach looked uncomfortable; understandably so. “I know you wouldn’t do _that._ I meant… with women…?”  
  
“Oh!” The question surprised Alicia, although it shouldn’t have. “No. Not at all, Zach. I divorced your Dad because my love and trust had been too badly damaged by the things that happened with us. It had nothing to do with my sexual preferences.” She paused, trying to ascertain how much explanation was appropriate to share with her son, and how much explanation she was actually _sure_ of. Finally, she said: “Kalinda… it’s not about her being a woman. It’s about her being _this_ woman. And it took me by surprise, too.”  
  
Again, with the silence; it was nearly unbearable, but so very necessary.  
  
“You said it wasn’t serious?” he asked, when he spoke again.  
  
And this was the question she was most unprepared to answer. “I… don’t know what it is. It may not be anything, anymore. This dating thing… I’m really bad at it, these days.”  
  
That actually got a hint of a smile from her son. “Do you really like her?”  
  
It almost made her chuckle; he should really be asking this at a time when she _wasn’t_ out-of-her-mind frustrated and angry with the woman. “Most of the time, yes, very much. She’s something else.”  
  
“She’s really pretty,” offered Zach.  
  
“That, she certainly is,” Alicia agreed, almost ruefully; still disbelieving that she was having this conversation with her teenage son.  "Smart, too.  And fun."  
  
The silent periods were growing shorter now. “When I told you we want you to be happy – I meant that.”  
  
“I know that.” For all the headaches they had been giving her, there was no doubt that she had raised some pretty fantastic kids. “Thank you, honey.”  
  
“I’m…” Zach paused. “I’m not going to tell Grace. Or Dad. If you’re worried about that.”  
  
“I would rather be the one to tell them about it, if it became important to do so.” The thought of talking to Grace about it caused small firebursts of alarm in her already-excitable brain, which was silly because at the moment, there was absolutely nothing to tell.  
  
“Yeah, I get that part.” He looked down to his folded hands, still fidgeting. “I really don’t know what else to say, I guess. I’m still not sure I get the rest? But… I love you, Mom.”  
  
“Oh, hon. I love you too,” Alicia sighed, reaching out and pulling Zach to her in a one-armed hug, and feeling supremely grateful for one of the two constants in her life.

  
\--

  
Another week of avoidance. Days of evasion and averting eye contact and the exhausting task of focusing on work when her mind wanted to go anywhere but.   
  
Kalinda didn’t confront her again. Alicia wasn’t sure if she were grateful (because certainly, she didn’t _enjoy_ feeling like the bitter, grudge-holding one), or disappointed (because at least when Kalinda was trying to talk to her, Alicia felt like she cared one way or another).  
  
It was stressful and upsetting and not at all conducive to work, which is why it probably shouldn’t have surprised her that Will noticed.  
  
Alicia had nodded through his open office door as she passed one day; he was talking on the phone, but held up a finger to her, requesting for her to stay.  
  
Alicia hovered for a second by the door, before he hung up and motioned her the rest of the way inside at the same time.  
  
“Go ahead and shut it,” he told her, and she did as he requested, looking curious. They didn’t have any confidential business to discuss that she knew of.   
  
“What can I do for you?” She eased down into the chair in front of his desk.  
  
Will sighed, pushing his chair back and rubbing his head. “I’m… just going to come out and ask. Did you and Kalinda have a fight?”  
  
Of course. She and Kalinda had been so _friendly_ at work for the past few months, which stood in stark contrast to the way they were behaving now. Still, the confrontation gave her pause.  
  
Will was looking concerned, rather than nosy, and Alicia felt she was getting worse at lying as she got older, rather than better. So her response was a sheepish, “We may have had a difference of opinion.”  
  
The man across the desk shook his head in a way that said, ‘ _Women._ ’ “Alicia. You two work as well together as anybody at the firm. Can’t you fix it?”  
  
She was just grateful he didn’t press for specifics. “I hope so. Eventually.” In a tone that was more hopeful than she felt.  
  
“Would you like Diane or myself to arrange for some sort of mediation meeting…?”  
  
Her face had been downcast, but now her chin popped up as if she’d been electrocuted. _“No.”_  
  
He looked a bit taken aback by her vehemence. “Okay, okay. I just… wish I could help. Obviously, it benefits our work when the employees are on the same page, but also…” He trailed off, before settling on, “It’s just nice. That you are friends.”  
  
Will was a man with occasionally questionable moral integrity, but Alicia had never doubted that his care for _her_ and his desire for her happiness were genuine. “I appreciate that,” she told him weakly, settling back into her chair after that brief moment of horror.  
  
He studied her. “You know, if you ever want to talk about anything, I’m happy to make the time.”  
  
Alicia looked into his face; his eyes were dark and warm and caring. There were a few seconds where she had an almost overwhelming desire to just blurt out _everything_ \-- the whole, sordid, complicated story, just so she didn’t have to be alone with it anymore, just so she could get _somebody_ else’s opinion. Before all this started, Kalinda had been her primary confidante; now, without her, Alicia felt the pressure of her emotions and confused thoughts building, and she felt full to burst.  
  
It would be a bad, bad idea to burst to Will.  
  
Forcing back the urge, she gave him a strained smile. “Thank you. Kalinda and I will do our best to be professional.” And, then, correcting herself: “We _will_ be professional.”  
  
Will nodded slowly; maybe also forcing back an urge to push.  
  
And then she escaped as quickly as possible.

  
\--

  
It wouldn’t have been fair for her to ask for the kids a second weekend in a row, and Alicia fussed for a few days before inviting her brother over, ostensibly to help rearrange furniture for Alicia’s apparently expanded redecoration project. After some requisite complaints about giving up part of his weekend to do _work_ , Owen agreed, so long as he was rewarded in the end with alcohol; Alicia felt a huge surge of relief, and then pitiful for _requiring_ someone there to get her out of her own head. Since when had she gotten so _bad_ at being alone?  
  
An hour into the pushing and pulling and bickering and huffing, Alicia was reminded that Kalinda certainly wasn’t the only person who hadn’t been sleeping well, and was becoming more exhausted.  
  
“You’re being even more of a pain in the ass than usual,” Owen accused, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand after Alicia decided the location of the third attempt at moving the sofa _still_ wasn’t acceptable.  
  
“Am not,” she retorted.  
  
“Ooh, good one. You use that objection in court?”  
  
She threw him a dirty look, but merely flopped on the couch dejectedly in response.   
  
Owen wasn’t going to argue with a break, so he joined her. “So are you going to tell me what’s wrong with you?”  
  
“Nothing’s wrong with me,” she sulked, crossing her arms.  
  
“You invite me here, which you _never_ do, thank you very much…” He gave a fake-offended look, which she rolled her eyes at. “You’re fluttering around like you’re trying to escape yourself, and whining at me the whole time. And you look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”  
  
She thought of protesting, but chose a different course. “I just went through a divorce, Owen. Doesn’t that count for ‘something wrong’?”   
  
“Nope. This isn’t your ‘divorce’ look.” He eyed her suspiciously, then seemed to have a revelation. “It’s a boy. I know your ‘it’s a boy’ look.”  
  
If she weren’t feeling so morose, she would have laughed at the irony of that. Her amusement was quickly followed by annoyance at herself for being so damn transparent that apparently now _everyone_ knew her business just by looking at her face. It surprised her she had any success as a lawyer at all.  
  
“It’s him, isn’t it. Will.” He drew out the name, turning it into an insinuation and rubbing his hands together. “I knew it.”  
  
Of course. It’s what _anybody_ would assume. “No.”  
  
“No?” Owen scrunched up his nose, then his eyes widened. “Oh Alicia. Not with Peter again…?”  
  
 _“No,”_ she responded with more vehemence than she intended.  
  
“Whoa. Okay,” her brother chuckled. “So… not Will, not Peter. So many options. My goodness, my big sister’s a trollop.”  
  
“I hate you,” Alicia grumbled, smacking him on the shoulder, but the corners of her mouth were twitching in the way that only Owen could make them do when she was sad or upset or confused.  
  
“Yeah, I hate you too, sis.” He put an affectionate arm around her, and she dropped her head to his shoulder. “Tell me what’s going on?”  
  
So often while they were growing up, Alicia had felt the need to put on a show of strength for Owen; he needed stability, and discipline, and order to keep him grounded, and being the older one gave her carte blanche to play that maternal role for him. But so much had happened in the past few months that made her question the roles she had chosen to take on, and now for lack of a better option and with a sense of desperation, she let go of her qualms about burdening her brother with this.  
  
“I got dumped,” she said miserably, and she felt all of fourteen again, lonely and vulnerable and rejected.  
  
Owen clucked and pulled her to him tighter. “ _Why_ would anybody dump _you_? You’re perfect.”  
  
“Because I have kids? Because of my life? Which apparently ‘doesn’t include _this_ ’.” She made air quotes. “I don’t know.”  
  
“Wait a minute, this guy broke up with you and said it was your fault for having kids and a life? That’s bull. He sounds like a jerk. I don’t want you with another jerk.”  
  
Alicia felt a surge of unwanted protectiveness. “She’s not a jerk. Just… cautious.”  
  
A long moment of silence. Alicia could feel Owen’s eyes burning into the top of her head.  
  
“Don’t look at me like that. _You’re_ not allowed to look at me like that.”  
  
“No look,” he insisted. “I’m just… jeez, sis. I didn’t know you had it in you. To, you know… do something _different_.”  
  
“I just got divorced and split up my family, Owen. I think I’ve already proved my ability to do _different_.” She couldn’t help the defensive tone that crept into her voice.  
  
“Okay, okay. Touché. Readjusting perceptions and assumptions now.” He gave her a reassuring little squeeze. “Give me the story.”  
  
And, despite a stab of guilt that maybe sharing all this was somehow a betrayal of the private Kalinda, she did; from the slow development of their respect and almost-friendship, to Kalinda’s surprise request for _just coffee_ on the day Alicia received her divorce decree, to the slow and steady build between them up until Alicia’s confrontation, at which point Kalinda seemed incapable of doing _anything_ slow anymore (Alicia spared the details on that point; Owen was an adult, but he’d always be her baby brother). She ended with the tale of their impromptu break-up two weeks ago. By the time it was all out, she felt a bizarre mixture of shame and relief that nearly made her sick to her stomach.  
  
Owen sat quietly through the majority of it, nodding his head and occasionally making sympathetic ‘mmm’ sounds. When it was over and Alicia dropped her head down in defeat, he finally had something to say. “Well, well. You’ve had an exciting past few months, haven’t you?”  
  
“I don’t want any more excitement. I just want to be… if not happy, _calm_. Content. Is that too much to ask?”  
  
“The waters on the boat-ride to happiness are rarely calm. You know this.”  
  
She chuffed softly at his bad analogy.  
  
“So what are you going to do?” he asked her. “Once the dust settles.”  
  
Alicia shook her head wearily. “You’re supposed to tell me what to do.”  
  
“Well. I _am_ a relationship guru; this is true.” He gave a rueful grin.  
  
“Maybe not so much, but you’re the only one who knows about this, and it’s depressing for me to think you have no more insight than I do.”  
  
“Alright. Hold on. I’m going to go grab us some… magic insight juice.”  
  
While Owen ran to the kitchen to grab beers from the refrigerator, Alicia sunk down into the couch cushions, pulling the fleece blanket that was draped over the sofa-top down and over herself; if she were going to play the role of the dumped girl, she might as well go all out.  
  
She wondered if Kalinda were feeling any of this; this desperate loneliness, the need to talk to someone, _anyone_ about the conflict, the bad feelings.  
  
Likely not. Kalinda was always quieter than Alicia. Tougher. Maybe she didn’t even feel very conflicted at all.  
  
Alicia envied her.  
  
When her brother returned and handed her a cold bottle, the top already popped off, he nudged Alicia to the side a bit. “So. This is what I came up with, at first sip. The way I see it, you have two choices. The first is to let it go. Move on. People don’t change unless they really want to and are _ready_ to, and your _Kalinda_ sounds… confused.”  
  
“Kalinda doesn’t get confused,” Alicia resisted the notion before taking a sip of her beer, and her brother raised his eyebrows at her.   
  
“Hot, cold, fast, slow, here’s a secret, _don’t ask about my secrets_.” Owen shrugged. “Sounds confused to me. If she’s not confused, then she’s just being an ass, and fuck her.”  
  
 _“Owen,_ ” Alicia scolded at his language.  
  
“Sorry! Sorry.” He gave himself a little slap of the cheek to appease Alicia. “Anyway. Second choice is… go after what you want. This woman has been running the show and making it all about _her_ , whether that was the intent or not. She wants to date you, she asks. She doesn’t want to get too close? She puts on the brakes. She’s nervous that you’re getting too close in spite of everything? She tries to scare the shi— _crap_ ,” he corrected himself, “out of you by groping you in public places. And when _that_ doesn’t work? She breaks up with you. It’s not fair. And it’s _well_ within your rights to go to her and lay out exactly what _you_ want and need, and tell her to take it or leave it. Because otherwise, I can almost guarantee that she’s going to keep playing these games.”  
  
Alicia was blinking dumbly at him, losing him after the _‘it’s not fair.’_ She had honestly not expected Owen to offer much more in the way of insight into this situation; she had mostly just wanted and _needed_ a sounding board, and a listening ear. But the things her brother was saying were things she had never considered, and – what if it were _true_? From the beginning, Alicia had dutifully followed Kalinda’s lead, assuming that, as always, her cool, calculating colleague knew what she was doing.  
  
She had been so shell-shocked by Kalinda’s interest in her – and then again, by her own interest in Kalinda – and then _again_ , by the newness of it all, feeling so off-balance and ill-prepared – that she had barely even considered what complicated and confusing struggles might be going on inside Kalinda. She hadn’t even given it full consideration, after Kalinda had told her _outright_ that this was new and strange territory for her, as well.  
  
And now, thinking about it, there were little mysteries that she had just chalked up to the enigma that _was_ Kalinda, which suddenly seemed to make so much more sense, if Owen were right.  
  
Why had the ultra-private Kalinda chosen their _very_ first “date” to drop the bombshell of her past life on Alicia?  
  
 _To see if Alicia could handle it, to give her a hint of the pain and hurt that might be underneath that cool veneer; maybe hoping that Alicia_ couldn’t _handle it, that she would leave and not make Kalinda feel anything more than the uncomfortable feelings she already did._  
  
Why had Kalinda moved so frustratingly slow, when Alicia was almost begging to be more physical, more quickly? When Kalinda had never before seemed to have a problem being physical with _anyone_ to whom she was attracted?  
  
 _Because she was trying to protect_ herself. _Thinking that if she didn’t sleep with Alicia, they wouldn’t get as close – and then Alicia’s inevitable rejection wouldn’t hurt so much._  
  
What had Kalinda meant, by _“maybe?”_  
  
 _She meant that maybe this would be different. Maybe even though she’d never truly let myself be open with someone, she could be, with Alicia. That maybe Alicia would be the one to give Kalinda some hope that she could trust anyone. Maybe, despite everything, this wouldn’t be a sure disaster._  
  
Why would someone as unsentimental as Kalinda – who’d told Alicia upfront that she’d be gone if things felt _too serious_ – call her ‘baby,’ and look like she’d walked through the gates of heaven at the taste of her? Why would she make love to Alicia so beautifully and tenderly, then cycle through hot and cold fast enough to make anyone’s head spin?  
  
 _Because…  
  
Kalinda was in love with her. Kalinda didn’t want to be in love with her, and was fighting against it with every defense she had – minimizing, repressing, sabotaging, pushing Alicia away – but in love she was, and it explained everything. She was as in love with her as…_  
  
…As Alicia was with her.  
  
The realization nearly knocked Alicia’s breath from her. Her eyes widened impossibly, and her brother looked alarmed.  
  
“What? Did I say something? I’m sorry. I’m awful at this.” He was fretting.  
  
“Oh, no. Oh noooo.” She thunked her beer bottle down on the coffee table and buried her face in her hands.  
  
“You’re scaring me here.”  
  
She bit back a sob at and for herself. “I’m not ready for this, Owen. This wasn’t supposed to happen so fast. I was supposed to be on my own and find myself.”  
  
“Oh, sis.” He scooted over, rubbed her back. “Not that I’m saying that’s a _bad_ idea, but… sometimes other people _help_ us find ourselves, you know? And sometimes they do it when we least expect it.”  
  
Alicia peeked out at him from behind her fingers, eyeing him warily. “Since when did you get so wise, baby brother?”  
  
“Hey. I might not be a relationship guru, but… I’ve done this ‘falling in love and breaking up’ thing a couple more times than you.” He ruffled her hair. “Hey.”  
  
“Hey, what,” she sighed.  
  
“Is she hot?”  
  
She smirked at him, amused in spite of herself and the situation. “Is that important?”  
  
“Yes. It’s always harder, when they’re hot.”  
  
Falling back onto the couch again, she gave a slow nod in the affirmative. “Yeah. She’s very hot.”  
  
“Ouch. That’s tough.” He fell back to the cushions too, mirroring her position, and then swung his head to the side to regard her more seriously. “You’ll figure it out. I know you will.”  
  
She looked back thoughtfully; chewed her lip. “I think I _did_ just figure something out.”  
  
She just wasn’t sure if she _wanted_ to know it.


	5. Chapter 5

Alicia Cavanaugh Florrick was in love with Kalinda Sharma.  
  
Alicia loved her boldness, her savvy… loved her intelligence and her mastery over nearly every situation and every person she came across. And because she loved all those things, nothing surprised Alicia more than finding that, when she thought of Kalinda being scared or hurt…  
  
It made Alicia love her a hundred times more, for being so damn _real._  
  
She would have never believed that she could feel so much for somebody, and know so little about them. She was a little afraid that if she _did_ learn more, she’d end up loving her so much that her heart would never be able to let go of Kalinda again.  
  
After the initial shock of this revelation had passed, an eerie serenity settled over Alicia; much like the one when she had finally decided to divorce Peter.  
  
It was possible she (and Owen) were wrong, about _Kalinda’s_ feelings. That Kalinda’s primary interest in Alicia was, and had always been, diversion and sex, and that she was now shaking her head that yet _another_ person had fallen for her and confused physical intimacy for the emotional sort. That she’d left because she really didn’t want the same things Alicia did. Because she really didn’t want _Alicia._  
  
But the more she thought through the events of the past few months, Alicia was more convinced than ever that she wasn’t wrong. Not that it mattered if, as Owen had sagely pointed out, Kalinda wasn’t ready or willing to deal with it.  
  
Not to say Alicia _was_ ready to deal with it.   
  
Yet… sometimes before she slept, she could still smell Kalinda’s perfume on her sheets. It was a few days past the one when Alicia typically had them laundered, and she had made excuses not to do it – if she were honest with herself, she wasn’t ready to lose that scent that was both exotic and soothing at the same time.  
  
She couldn’t imagine not breathing it in again.  
  
She couldn’t imagine not touching Kalinda, not talking at work, or at dinner, or late into the night, eyes flirting over their wine glasses and exchanging unspoken promises that Alicia had never imagined wanting to make with anyone else again.  
  
She didn’t _want_ to imagine it.  
  
But Alicia had her pride, too. It wasn’t her style to pursue someone who’d made a clear statement about not wanting to be with her – even if that statement was based on assumptions Alicia believed to be untrue. Assumptions like the one that Alicia couldn’t handle a relationship with someone like Kalinda, and would back out once she realized that she _really_ needed a man, or a husband, or a white picket fence.  
  
Assumptions like the one that Kalinda was incapable of believing in something enough to commit to it – trusting it enough to give it a chance.  
  
Alicia had a feeling that she had more faith in Kalinda’s heart than did Kalinda herself.  
  
Late Sunday night, she lay in bed with her hands behind her head, thinking about her choices. The fact was that the safest and (probably) best option would be to let this one go. It would sting for awhile, but then she could be on her own for awhile like she’d always intended, and maybe, someday, find someone else to be with – someone mature, and honest, and good in relationships. Someone who wanted the same things Alicia wanted.  
  
Someone like that would be so easy.  
  
Reaching out, Alicia plucked her cell off the nightstand and stared at it for a minute before opening a new text screen.  
  
 _Do I take a chance on something I believe in, even if I might come out of it feeling like an idiot?_  
  
She hit ‘send’ and waited. She wasn’t even sure if her brother stayed up this late these days. But it was a mere thirty seconds before her phone vibrated in response.  
 _  
Read that as ‘do I deserve to be happy?’ Am not dignifying with response._  
  
Alicia smiled at the screen. She should have expected that.  
  
She fell asleep holding her phone to her heart.

  
\--

  
Alicia preferred not to do these sorts of things at work. Actually, she had never done them at work, and she preferred not to do them at all. But there were a few reasons why she chose to do it there anyway. The first being that it would be the next place she saw Kalinda again, and if she waited, she’d quite possibly lose her nerve. The second was that she needed a place Kalinda couldn’t easily escape from – because by now Alicia had realized that escape was Kalinda’s default instinct.  
  
She still felt a little bad about cornering Kalinda like this; but even Alicia’s newfound empathy couldn’t quite temper her anger at another person pretending they knew what was best for her – pretending like they knew what she could _handle._   
  
So it was a strange amalgam of frustration and affection that propelled Alicia to Kalinda’s office before she even dropped her things off in her own. She entered with an uncharacteristic lack of manners, not bothering to knock or check to see if Kalinda were busy – just walking inside and flicking the door shut behind her with one smooth motion.  
  
Kalinda dragged her eyes from her computer screen to Alicia as if it hurt her to do it. Alicia understood her weariness, and her likely resentment of being accosted on her home turf.  
  
Alicia couldn’t let it matter right now. Not even when she realized that, in her surge of exasperation and boldness, she hadn’t completely thought through what _words_ she wanted to say.  
  
But Kalinda was staring at her, looking uncomfortable and anxious, yet not completely surprised – maybe having known it was only a matter of time before this happened because as smart as Kalinda was, it had been a long time since she'd mistaken Alicia for the passive type. And Alicia had a memory.  
  
“Do you remember, you once told me I was always waiting for people to give me things,” Alicia said without preamble, and it wasn’t a question because she knew Kalinda always remembered everything.  
  
Kalinda blinked, processing. “You were about to lose your job.”  
  
“Yes. And my job was important to me, and I still didn’t want to do the things I had to in order to keep it. I’m an _attorney_ , and I was afraid of being pushy. Of bothering people. Isn’t that silly?”  
  
Kalinda may not have been on the top of her game at the moment, but she still made a last-ditch effort to change the subject after ascertaining where this was going. “Is there something you need, Alicia? With work?”  
  
There were plenty of things Alicia needed right now, very few of them work-related, and she was done denying them. She leaned forward, the tips of her fingers on Kalinda’s desk. “You’re afraid. I am too. Fear’s not a good enough reason, to keep from doing the things you want. The things you _should._ There’s got to be something more than that.”  
  
To Kalinda’s credit, she didn’t jump to disclaiming that fear, as Alicia thought she might; she didn’t even change the subject this time, or pretend to not know what Alicia was talking about, or tell her this wasn’t the time or place. But she still stood her ground, expression turning determined. “How about that it’s impossible? Is that a good enough reason?”  
  
“It’s not impossible.” Alicia found that the more she thought it, the more she said it, the truer she believed it to be.  
  
Kalinda shook her head, in exasperation or disbelief or both. “How? _Why?_ ”  
  
There were several emotions playing over Kalinda’s face; Alicia recognized them now, whereas before she’d ignored them – when she’d needed or wanted to believe that Kalinda was stronger than her, somehow more than human, and unaffected by the internal struggles that cowed normal people. But it was that humanness that had touched Alicia; the _real_ person behind the always-calm and competent exterior, who she’d fallen for. And as much as it terrified her to know that _neither_ of them really had a plan or knew what they were doing, she also knew that the very best things nearly always came with risks.  
  
So Alicia took one, in the moment she tilted her head, blinked, and said more calmly than she ever would have believed herself capable: “Because I love you.”  
  
And then, having made her most compelling argument, she turned and walked toward the door.  
  
 _“Alicia.”_  
  
Never in their history of knowing each other, had Alicia heard Kalinda sound so panicked. She paused with her hand on the doorknob; looked back to where Kalinda was strangling the edge of her desk.  
  
“You can’t _say_ things like that.” The desperation in Kalinda’s tone was now matched by her expression; Alicia would have felt worse about Kalinda’s distress if she had believed herself to be any _less_ gobsmacked by this, than Kalinda herself. As it was, the only difference Alicia saw was that _she_ was finally being more honest with herself.  
  
So instead of questioning, or arguing, or even humoring, Alicia just gave Kalinda as kind a smile as she could manage. “Let me know if that changes anything.”  
  
She left Kalinda then to contemplate her own demons, while Alicia contemplated just how chaotic she’d just made her life.

  
\--

  
_Now_ , Alicia knew, the right thing was to back off. Lobbing the ball into someone else’s court meant you could only wait for it to be returned – or not. She’d made a choice – taken a stand, and it was all she could do. She couldn’t make Kalinda love her, but she could feel secure in the knowledge that she hadn’t let fear hold her back this time, like she had so many times before. It was an aching victory -- to know that you had put the whole of yourself out for someone to take or leave, been true and honest and exposed, and _still_ able to be rejected.  
  
But she’d been strong. And that was something.  
  
Alicia caught Kalinda looking at her sometimes in a bitter and resentful way, and in it she read: _Damn you for making me feel this way. For making this weird. This is why I don’t get involved._  
  
Sometimes Alicia felt unrepentant – after all, she’d never be in this position if Kalinda hadn’t set it in motion to begin with. Other times, there were those flashes of strain on Kalinda’s face, so strange for the woman who never gave _anything_ away, and Alicia felt guilty for making things hard for her. The defenses Kalinda used might not be healthy, but they had _worked_ for her – kept her together for God knew how many years, and maybe it was selfish of Alicia to try to tear them away from her.  
  
It was done now.   
  
Maybe a lot of things were done.

  
\--

  
The days of silence that followed were agonizing. It was likely that what sustained Alicia through them were the calluses she’d built up during Peter’s scandal; no matter how awkward things were now, it could never compare to the humiliation she’d steeled herself against during that time of her life. Alicia practically had a Ph.D. in ignoring the chill.  
  
But she herself wasn’t cold or unaffected, and she fought every day against running back to Kalinda’s office and telling her she didn’t mean it, she took it back – anything so they could just get back to being _normal_ again, or at least professional, like she’d told Will they’d be.  
  
One evening her brother called, demanding an update on the situation. Alicia retired to her room out of earshot of the kids and gave it to him without resistance.  
  
“You’re such a big, brave girl,” he told her, and although the words could have been interpreted as condescending, Alicia heard genuine admiration in his tone.  
  
“This is one of those times it made no difference,” she sighed, making her way to her closet to choose the next day’s outfit for work. She ran her hand across dozens of jackets and collared shirts, all neatly pressed – thank God for laundry services. “She officially doesn’t want this.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“It’s been a week, Owen.” She pulled her yellow blazer out and hung it on the doorknob. “She hasn’t said anything. _Anything._ After I told her _that_.”  
  
“Maybe she’s just getting up the nerve.”  
  
Her black pumps and belt sailed onto the bed. “Maybe all my relationships with people at work are destined to end in awkwardness because of leftover _feelings_. Maybe I need to get out more and meet people who are _not_ employees of Lockhart Gardner.”  
  
“I’m not going to argue that last point. You need more friends than _me_. I love you sis, but I don’t know what you women do. With your… purses and your tea parties and your… your… eyelash curlers…”  
  
“Yeah, I get it,” she sighed.  
  
“You know you did the right thing though, right? If you hadn’t said something, you’d always be wondering if it would have made a difference.”  
  
“I know that. It’s just hard not to regret it when it _feels_ so wrong right now.”  
  
“Well… I might have a little something to distract you, if you’re interested.”  
  
She froze in her activities, instantly suspicious. “What are you talking about?”  
  
“Just hear me out. He’s a tenured communications and media studies professor. Divorced for five years, one kid a little older than Zach.”  
  
“Owen…”  
  
“He eyes up that picture I have of you on my bookshelf – that one from our Aspen trip – every time he comes into my office.”  
  
“First of all, that picture is almost ten years old, and second, why is he in your office that often? Maybe he likes _you_.”  
  
“Don’t deflect. You’ve looked the same for the past twenty years. And he’s straight as an arrow. Way straighter than _you_. I’m going to give you his number.”  
  
 _“No.”_  
  
“Are you completely off men now?”  
  
“Owen, the solution to my problems is not more dating. That’s what got me into this mess in the first place.”  
  
“No, what got you into this mess was going out with someone you work with, who isn’t emotionally mature enough to deal with you. I promise you, this would be just for fun. Get your mind off things. I know how you get, when get in your head about this stuff. And if nothing else, maybe you could just make a new friend.”  
  
Alicia sunk down to her bed. She’d been so preoccupied by things with Kalinda, not to mention with keeping involved with the kids and the constant stressors of her job, that the thought of making a concerted effort to _move on_ hadn’t even occurred to her.  
  
“I’m going to text you his name and number once we’re done here. You don’t have to do anything right away, just… think about it?” her brother wheedled.  
  
 _“Fine._ I’ll think about it.” From somewhere in apartment she heard Grace shrieking at her brother. “I’ve gotta go. My children are turning feral.”  
  
“Hmm. I blame the schools.”  
  
“I blame distracted, absentee parents,” she muttered under her breath. They said their goodbyes. Before she was even out the door, she heard the telltale vibration of her phone receiving a text.  
  
Even though she knew it was the name and number of a stranger, she still checked to make sure it didn’t come from the person always hoped it was.

  
\--

  
Even as Alicia was accepting that Kalinda’s silence meant that her bold confession actually _didn’t_ change anything, and trying to put this whole crazy thing into perspective as some kind of learning experience or post-divorce growing pain, Alicia found herself struggling with just how much it hurt – trying to come to terms with another ending.   
  
One snowy Friday, she’d considered who she could get to distract her from another weekend alone -- had thought of asking Peter for another trade-off with the kids, or enlisting Owen to come help her with some other project or maybe even just to do something _fun_. But in the end she realized she had to get used to this sometime – being alone with only her thoughts to accompany her.  
  
So when the evening came and work was done, she resolutely poured herself a glass of wine and tried to focus on the book she was reading, on tv, on making dinner – _anything_ but thinking of the woman who didn’t want her.  
  
She wasn’t successful.  
  
When news of Peter’s scandal had come out, he and Alicia had already been disconnected for quite some time – Peter had been absorbed by all the politicking and the activities and forced socializing that went with it, and Alicia was wrapped up in the kids and resentful of the things she had given up just to have a husband who was barely ever around. She was incredibly disappointed, hurt, and humiliated by that betrayal – not just of _her_ , but of their family, their privacy, their _life_ together – but the truth of the matter was that at that point, she didn’t feel like she was losing her one great love anymore, because that love had already faded in the course of leading largely separate lives.  
  
And Will – after their repressed feelings had come to light, and it had been made clear over and over again that their timing was just never going to be right – that had stung, too. She mourned for the innocent hopefulness of their relationship at Georgetown, and for the lost possibilities of what they _could_ have been.  
  
Alicia was no stranger to heartbreak, and she should have been better prepared to deal with it. But… she didn’t feel anything but lost. Her relationship with Kalinda had been nothing like anything she’d ever experienced – even when Alicia felt completely out of her element, she still had never felt as _stimulated_ with another person as she did with this woman. It was like connecting with and figuring out the mysterious and precocious Kalinda enervated Alicia, opening her up to new ways of understanding not just her colleague, but herself and her life and the whole damn world.  
  
But it didn’t matter now. Because while Alicia had been opening up to these new experiences, Kalinda had firmly shut off and shut down. And that was the end of that.  
  
Alicia was so damn sick of grieving these losses.  
  
Swirling her wine in her glass, she glanced at the notepad sitting on the end table. On it was written the name and number of a man that Owen had promised her would be _fun_ , and intelligent, and would have a lot in common with her.  
  
She had no inclination toward more dating right now. But she _was_ very much interested in not feeling this way anymore.  
  
Her fingers crept toward her cell. She was already imagining how this conversation would go. _“Hi, I’m Alicia, that cute girl in the ski jacket from the picture on Owen Cavanaugh’s desk? I just was involved in a massive political scandal, got divorced, and am still pretty hung up on the person with whom I just had a lesbian interoffice affair, but other than that I’m pretty fun! Care to have a drink?”_  
  
But in the end, the thing that made her pull her hand back wasn’t how ridiculous it sounded.  
  
It was looking out the window and remembering how Kalinda’s lips had tasted in the snow.  
  
Tomorrow. Tomorrow she’d move on.   
  
For one more night, Alicia would just let herself miss her.

  
\--

  
It took her a long while to fall asleep, but once she did she slept hard and dreamless.  
  
That sleep was so deep that when she was first startled out of it, she had no idea of what had woken her. She sat up, feeling as if lead weights were attached to her upper body. Blinked a few times. Rubbed her eyes.  
  
Nothing.  
  
She lay back down.  
  
But then the knock came again, and she remembered. This is what had pulled her from her slumber.  
  
A glance at her alarm clock told her it was one forty in the morning, and she was instantly more awake and aware and wary; this wasn’t the time for visitors, and she was all alone here – vulnerable. But she was fairly certain most home invasions didn’t start with a knock barely loud enough to hear.  
  
Alicia rose out of bed, moving carefully; the room was lit with that strange white glow it got when the city was covered with snow, its light reflected through the window across sheets of pure, bright white. She padded down the hallway and through the living room in bare feet, still feeling somehow surreal – maybe she _was_ still sleeping, and not so dreamlessly. It felt even more the case once she looked through the peephole and recognized her late-night visitor.  
  
The sound of the locks disengaging felt deafening against the silence of the night. She pulled the door open and stood quietly, regarding Kalinda with tired and perplexed eyes. Kalinda’s eyes, on the other hand, looked like those of a wild animal that had been trapped and struggling for a quite some time – both exhausted and desperate. Her hair and clothes were damp, as if she’d been out in the snow for a long while before making the decision to come in where it was warm.  
  
“You have more to lose than I do,” she told Alicia, not bothering with niceties.  
  
Though she’d been shocked out of sleep, Alicia felt very, very clear. She thought of her children, her parents, her brother… even of Will, who, despite all the complications, had _always_ been a good friend to her. “I’ll never lose the things that matter,” she replied quietly.  
  
Kalinda looked as miserable as Alicia had ever seen her; glancing around like she wanted to escape, but not having the will to do so. “Fuck. Alicia. I’ve been so tired. I’ve wanted…” She trailed off, as if not knowing or not having the energy to finish what she wanted to say.  
  
“Shh. I know.” They did have to talk about this; Alicia knew that, and she wanted to. But right now Kalinda looked as exhausted as she felt, and the thought of confronting everything that was between them _tonight_ felt like an insurmountable task. “Come in.” Taking Kalinda by the hand, she led her inside.  
  
Once the door was shut and the locks were turned again, she turned her attention to the woman in front of her. Kalinda was looking downward, as if ashamed to meet her eyes. Reaching out, Alicia cupped her cold cheeks in her hands, forcing Kalinda’s gaze higher.  
  
“I shouldn’t have bothered you tonight,” Kalinda breathed, still obviously fighting the urge that brought her here.  
  
Alicia let her hands drop down to Kalinda’s slumped shoulders, then she enfolded her slowly into her arms.  
  
Kalinda seemed to melt into her, wrapping her arms around Alicia’s waist and burying her face into her shoulder. They stood for a moment like this, holding one another. Alicia pressed her cheek into Kalinda’s hair, savoring the silky soft brush and the ambered scent of it.  
  
“Come on,” Alicia whispered, releasing Kalinda despite her reluctance, taking the other woman’s hand and pulling her gently toward the bedroom.  
  
The small lamp on the bedside stand that Alicia turned on provided the only light in the room; the dim illumination cast dark shadows on Kalinda’s cheeks from her lowered eyelashes, as she sank onto the edge of the bed.  
  
Alicia undressed Kalinda then to her underwear; slowly, methodically; not quite like a small child, but with hands that lingered tenderly and comfortingly on the skin she exposed. Kalinda allowed it, watching Alicia with a tired and vaguely confused look, as if she couldn’t quite understand why Alicia was being so _nice_ to her. She even raised her arms obediently when Alicia took an oversized t-shirt from the dresser and pulled it down over her head; she looked tiny inside all the material, and it made Alicia’s chest tighten in the way it always did, when Kalinda seemed so uncharacteristically _vulnerable._  
  
Climbing on her knees onto the bed behind Kalinda, Alicia stroked her hair and hesitated for just a moment before pulling out the pins and band that held it in place. She combed her fingers through it once it fell thick and loose to Kalinda’s shoulders.  
  
“Alicia…” Kalinda started, hesitantly, perhaps feeling the delayed need to tell Alicia to stop, she could do this all herself.  
  
“In the morning,” Alicia replied firmly. She placed a hand on Kalinda’s shoulder, urging her back on the sheets to climb under the covers. Once Kalinda was securely nestled inside, Alicia leaned over to the nightstand and switched off the lamp.  
  
In the dark, there was only the sound of her breathing to remind Alicia that Kalinda was here with her. For a guilty few seconds, she wondered if she should go sleep on the couch; Kalinda was obviously feeling uncertain, and exposed, and Alicia didn’t want to take advantage of her or the situation. This had been such a difficult past few days.  
  
But Alicia loved her. And truth be told, she was feeling as needy as Kalinda looked when she arrived on her doorstep tonight.  
  
Putting all guilt aside for the time being, she slid under the covers behind Kalinda. Alicia _might_ have resisted the urge to touch her, if Kalinda hadn’t immediately eased backward against her body. And then, there was too much sweet, soft, and warm to do anything but wrap her arm around Kalinda, tucking a forearm under her breasts and tangling their legs together.  
  
They sighed in unison – relieved.  
  
Then they slept.

  
\--

  
It would eventually matter _why_ Kalinda was here. The things they talked about would matter, and the decisions they made.   
  
But some important and intrinsic part of Alicia didn’t give a damn at the moment. And that part of her allowed her the most comforting, restful, blissful sleep, as long as this woman was in her arms.  
  
It was only a few hours until she woke again, but when she did she felt incredibly rested and content and just a little surprised to find Kalinda still next to her – it _hadn’t_ been a dream.  
  
Even though the other woman wasn’t moving, Alicia somehow sensed her wakefulness – perhaps from the cadence of her breath – and she curled her hand around Kalinda’s hip, rubbing softly in a soothing gesture. At the movement, Kalinda turned and faced her on the bed.  
  
Kalinda’s fingertips reached up to touch Alicia’s cheek – whisper-soft and tentative. Alicia turned her face into the caress, nuzzling into Kalinda’s palm and forgetting to be ashamed of how much she craved this – not just the feel of Kalinda’s skin against her own, but her tenderness. Alicia could _feel_ her struggling – wanting to say things, but feeling overwhelmed by the weight of the words.  
  
“It’s okay,” Alicia told her, wanting to give her the permission to be silent right now, if that’s what she needed.  
  
“It’s not. I’ve been careless with you,” Kalinda whispered into the dark. “You deserve more.”  
  
“Then give me more.”   
  
“What if I’m bad at it?”  
  
“I’ll love you anyway.”  
  
Alicia took Kalinda’s gasp from her with a kiss – soft and sweet and unhurried – promising that the words were true. They traded that promise back and forth for long moments, embers warming slowly. Alicia touched Kalinda’s face, meaning to brush her hair back so they could kiss more freely – and then she felt it.  
  
There was a single trail of moisture that streaked down Kalinda’s fine cheekbone. It dampened Alicia’s fingers and she stilled for a second, shocked.  
  
 _She wasn’t alone in this. She never had been._  
  
It set something off inside of her – something deep and protective and almost feral – and then she was tugging the other woman on top of her and clasping her close, closer… so close Alicia could feel the pounding of Kalinda’s heart against her own, and she felt lost in the curtain of thick, dark hair that fell around their faces and trapped her in a world of Kalinda’s touch and taste and scent.  
  
It was another chance Alicia was taking – that tonight wouldn’t be the one Kalinda decided once and for all that it wasn’t worth it, to be so exposed and open, to let Alicia see something real and raw inside of her. That it wouldn’t be the last they’d spend together.  
  
But months ago, Kalinda had taken a chance on _Alicia_ —asking her out when the likely response would have been _no_ , being patient with her anxieties when it would have been easier to move onto someone uncomplicated, someone more experienced; someone who would give Kalinda what she thought she wanted and not ask for or need _more._  
  
They owed each other one more risk.  
  
Kalinda’s hands were restless on her, and Alicia found that she empathized… she was suddenly voracious for the feel of silky flesh, for the distinct flavors of Kalinda’s throat and her thighs and the tips of her breasts – she wanted it fast and wanted it slow and wanted it _all,_ and she never wanted it to stop.   
  
Fighting her way into a sitting position and forcing Kalinda up with her, Alicia sighed as she was finally able to slip her fingers under Kalinda’s t-shirt unencumbered and feel the softness of her belly, the sweet flare of her hips.  
  
This was the skin she’d been wanting to feel – the breath she wanted to hear quicken – the hands she wanted pulling at her clothes and the mouth she wanted pressed against her body. The pieces fell together again as they touched one another, clothes giving way to persistent fingers.  
  
“I’ve missed you,” Alicia told Kalinda on a breathy sigh as her tongue traced a slow path from the valley between Kalinda’s breasts, to the hollow of her throat.  
  
“Show me,” Kalinda told her, and it sounded a plea rather than a challenge.   
  
Alicia _would_ show her. She’d show her everything.  
  
Groaning, Alicia hauled her leg over Kalinda’s and they pulled together, weaving their limbs and clasping one another close as possible – sex to sex, breast to breast, sharing each other’s breath. For a moment they didn’t move, luxuriating in the press of their bodies, the connectedness. And then Kalinda’s hips rolled once – a request for more. And Alicia couldn’t deny her.  
  
Had anything ever felt as lovely as this? The rich taste of this woman’s lips, the sweet, slippery slide of them together, the satin touch of their smooth skin, the friction unbearably tantalizing as they moved instinctively in the ways that gave the most pleasure. Kalinda was making the sexiest little sounds against Alicia’s mouth, making her hot all over, eventually making Alicia pick up the speed of their slow undulations against one another to fan the flames.  
  
Kalinda’s movements grew frantic, her mouth opening hotly against Alicia’s while her nails scraped at her ass, and Alicia remembered each of the telltale signs of her impending climax – the knowledge making that inevitable moment that much more thrilling. She held her closer.  
  
“Baby. Don’t let go,” Kalinda hissed, as if Alicia could ever be persuaded to do so.  
  
“I won’t,” Alicia promised, voice choked with desire as she anchored Kalinda tightly to her, riding hard against her once, twice, three times more until the other woman tensed in her arms, teeth sinking gently into Alicia’s shoulder to muffle her shuddering sigh.  
  
Alicia had been so focused on Kalinda, on the _experience_ of her, that the sudden burst of her own orgasm came a surprise to her – shocking in its white-hot intensity, and in the emotion it wrenched from her pounding heart. _God_ , how she’d needed this… how she’d needed this woman next to her, beside her, against her, _sharing_ this with her, and for the first time feeling she might have a safe place to fall.  
  
They rocked together slowly for a few more moments, holding one another’s damp bodies against the chill of the cool room, until Kalinda’s small shiver encouraged Alicia to untangle their legs and move, pulling the covers back over them. Kalinda resisted their separation for the briefest second before giving in, allowing herself to be tucked back into the cocoon of warmth.  
  
It was getting lighter now; Alicia could see Kalinda’s face clearly as they lay facing one another. Kalinda fingers flexed open above the blanket covering them, and Alicia traced small circles on the palm with her fingertip, finding exquisite the contrast of light on dark.  
  
Kalinda’s eyelids were heavy with satisfaction, but she was ever watchful. So much expressed, with so much still unsaid.  
  
Even in the midst of the lovely feelings, Alicia felt guilt. Kalinda had come here tonight, reaching out to her – _for_ her. Maybe sex wasn’t the right response – even if right now, it felt like this was the least selfish sex they had ever had.  
  
“Don’t regret it,” Kalinda said softly, as if reading her mind, and Alicia shook her head slightly in amazement. Kalinda was such an exercise in contradictions; so perceptive about some things, and so blind to others.  
  
Alicia’s fingers stilled against Kalinda’s hand. “You either,” she whispered, and the faintest trace of a smile crossed Kalinda’s face.  
  
Kalinda’s hand closed; clasped Alicia’s inside of it.  
  
They drifted off again.

  
\--

  
It was the first morning Kalinda ever slept longer than Alicia did. When Alicia woke, she blinked hard at the sight of Kalinda curled up in her bed in the bright light of day. She looked small and peaceful and lovely against the pale yellow sheets, and Alicia almost dreaded than the moment when she’d wake up – the caution slipping back into her eyes, stiffness to her limbs, maybe telling Alicia that this was a nice goodbye, but goodbye was certainly what it was.  
  
Because she couldn’t bear to wake her and face it, _or_ to lie there silently and worry, Alicia slipped quietly from the bed, pulling her robe off the hook in the inside of her closet and pulling it over her shoulders. She maneuvered into the kitchen, where she took on the mechanical and soothing task of making coffee. She stood at the counter and watched the hypnotic drip, drip, drip into the carafe.  
  
Alicia hadn’t thought it was possible to be more conflicted about this situation than she’d been in the past week. What woman _didn’t_ dream of the person she loved and had been longing for, coming to her in the dead of night – falling into her arms, holding her close, making love to her until there was no energy or will left to remember the doubt or the fear or the hurt feelings?  
  
Owen had warned her that as long as Kalinda were confused, she’d continue to play games. Alicia wasn’t sure if she could handle it, if last night were a game.   
  
It had felt so real.  
  
By the time Alicia pulled out of her reverie, the coffeepot had been done running for several minutes. Alicia shook her head, clearing the cobwebs, and poured two mugs. Maybe she should have just skipped the formalities and broken into the liquor cabinet.  
  
Taking hold of the mugs and finding almost masochistic enjoyment in the too-hot sting of the glass on her skin, she carried them back to the bedroom. There she found Kalinda sitting up in bed, blinking sleepily – huge eyes looking so different when not completely alert and rimmed with dark liner.  
  
“Hi,” Alicia told her quietly. She circled to Kalinda’s side of the bed and handed her one of the mugs. Kalinda took it with two hands, and their fingers overlapped. Their gazes met, and for a moment Alicia was nearly embarrassed – the intimacies they’d shared last night, how much she _herself_ she had revealed to this woman, all culminating in the inadequate niceties of coffee – before Kalinda said a soft ‘thank you” and Alicia released the cup.  
  
Alicia moved back around to her side of the bed; gingerly slipped back under the covers.  
  
Her companion took a sip from her mug, and then stared down into it, as if contemplating whether it was what she really wanted. It was more than a little gratifying when Kalinda placed the mug on the stand beside her and turned back to Alicia, leaning in and pressing a soft and chaste kiss to her lips instead… bringing last night into this morning.  
  
Giving up the pretense, Alicia set her coffee on the nightstand beside her as well, then laid on her stomach on the bed. She rested her head in the cradle of her crossed arms and they just shared the space for a few silent moments, Kalinda’s fingertips tracing absent-minded circles on Alicia’s back.   
  
“When we first met I thought you were either weak, or a fool,” Kalinda spoke first.  
  
Alicia startled a bit. Kalinda rarely spoke first, and it seemed a strange choice in topics. Still, that reveal didn’t particularly surprise her.  
  
“I know,” she replied, turning her head on the pillow to better-regard the woman next to her. “Because I didn’t put a knife through Peter’s heart.” Strange, the things that stick with you, but Alicia could remember nearly every detail of that first drink with Kalinda – maybe because she’d been sizing her up in kind. Now, the memory of Kalinda’s words caused a small smile to touch her lips.  
  
“After the night of the party, I wanted to just go back to the way things were before. But something felt missing. And I kept thinking to myself… who’s the fool now? Who’s the weak one?”  
  
Alicia couldn’t help wondering about the things that had happened to Kalinda, to make her think that _any_ decision guided by the heart was a foolish one. “What about now?”  
  
“Now I think you’re the strongest person I know.” There wasn’t an ounce of insincere flattery in Kalinda’s tone; it was stated as fact. “Me? I’m not so sure.”  
  
Shaking her head, Alicia stared at the ceiling. “It’s not exactly high praise, if you think it’s foolish to be with me.”  
  
Kalinda sighed, obviously frustrated at being misunderstood. “It would be foolish to not want to be with you. But the reality of the situation…” She paused. “I thought you’d turn me down, you know. When I asked you out.”  
  
Alicia looked back at her with a raised eyebrow. “No you didn’t. If you _really_ did, you would have never asked.”  
  
“I just knew it was the only chance. You’re the kind of person people want, Alicia. After you were divorced, it was just a matter of time – if it wasn’t going to be Will, it would be someone. And I figured when I asked and you turned me down, then at least I could stop thinking about it.”  
  
Alicia had now gone from feeling vaguely insulted, to being as endeared by Kalinda as she’d ever been – she would have never guessed that when it came to things like dating, that Kalinda was anything other than confident, assertive, and unapologetic. The fact that she had _gotten_ her chance, then squandered it, spoke to something that made Alicia hurt for her – and also made her proud that _both_ of them had ultimately made decisions that still led them here, in this bed, this morning.  
  
“Also figured you wouldn’t last past that first coffee,” Kalinda added.  
  
“Aren’t I just full of surprises?” Alicia teased gently, but she knew all this was less likely about her capacity to surprise, and more about the things that Kalinda had _wanted_ to believe. And as much as Kalinda obviously felt drawn to Alicia, and to _this_ , there was a part of her that had hoped Alicia would make things easier by backing out. A part of her that still did wish it, and perhaps always would.  
  
It made Alicia’s chest constrict a bit, to think of it.  
  
Kalinda was studying her, and as if confirming Alicia’s thoughts, came out suddenly with: “I don’t know what to do with kids.”  
  
“If you’re talking about mine then we match well, because neither do I,” Alicia groused, thinking for a moment of pornography and churches and her sincere desire to ban her children from the internet until they were thirty years old. She hadn’t given full consideration yet to what would happen, should Kalinda be introduced to the kids’ lives in any kind of _real_ way – and certainly, it was a concern, because Zach and Grace would _always_ be the most important parts of Alicia’s world. What would she do, if Kalinda refused to be a part of _theirs_?  
  
But Kalinda didn’t appear to be refusing. Just… warning of the difficulty. So Alicia added, “It’s something we could talk about.”  
  
Kalinda didn’t respond for a moment – still regarding Alicia with that intense look on her face. Then: “The man I was married to isn’t a good person. There are things I did to get away… I might never want to talk about them.” She said it with an edge of defensiveness, as if she expected Alicia to argue.  
  
It was true, Alicia’s pain and empathy for whatever Kalinda had experienced was tinged with curiosity for the mystery of it, and fear for what it meant in the future – she wanted to know the things that were important to Kalinda, that made her become the woman she was today. But the past was less important than the future, and Alicia knew that Kalinda’s guardedness would never change overnight. “I understand. We can talk about it if you ever want to. Or not, if you don’t.”  
  
Kalinda rolled to her back, staring at the ceiling with her fingers laced under her breasts, looking troubled.  
  
“Am I saying the wrong things here?” Alicia asked her, perplexed.  
  
“You’re making all these concessions for me. I’m just… not comfortable with it.”  
  
Alicia exhaled, reaching out and touching the other woman’s cheek, making Kalinda to look at her again. “Let’s get something straight here. Being with you – the way you _are_ – isn’t a concession, Kalinda. Just as I hope it wouldn’t be a concession to be with me. Yes, there are some things that are different than what I’m used to, but… I can deal with it. As long as you’re there, dealing along with me. I just don’t want to do it alone anymore. I don’t want to have to worry that you’re going to… check out, every time something feels strange or different or _hard_.”  
  
It was hard to tell from her expression if Kalinda were buying it, or still seeing this all as some unlikely script from a clichéd romance movie.  
  
“And I’ll have you know,” Alicia tried additionally, “as my brother will tell you, I can be a pretty big pain in the ass too.”  
  
“Mmm, no kidding,” Kalinda mused, and Alicia pulled the pillow out from under her head for a smack. Kalinda dodged it easily, clasping it between her hands and easing in for an almost-apologetic kiss. Alicia found herself smiling into her lips, and feeling the slightest bit lighter after their tense moments – and even that bit felt like an enormous relief.  
  
When they separated, Kalinda was looking at her with affection, and Alicia knew the same was being reflected in her own eyes.  
  
“So are you gay now?” The way Kalinda’s mouth tipped up confirmed that she was teasing. “Because you know people are going to ask.”  
  
That amused her. “Gay enough.” She nuzzled Kalinda’s breasts playfully with her face, to her delight getting a laugh from the other woman – and then it occurred to Alicia just what was implied behind the humor. Even though part of her _wanted_ to stay more guarded, because for sure things were still uncertain and who ever _knew_ what Kalinda was really thinking – her heart leapt a bit.  
  
“We don’t need to… make an announcement or anything. That’s not what I want. I just want _us_ to know – that we have something. And I don’t want to be ashamed or afraid of it.” And despite that last statement, she was suddenly terrified of what Kalinda would say next. “ _Do_ we have something?”  
  
There was something sparkling in Kalinda’s eyes – something that made her look youthful and happy and _hopeful_ and so, so different from the exhausted and frightened person of the past few weeks. Something _had_ changed last night – something necessary and fundamental between them – and it made Alicia believe that no matter how difficult or impossible things seemed, this unlikely connection stood a fighting chance. “Maybe.” And it was impish.  
  
“Maybe?” Alicia leaned in, keeping her lips teasingly out of reach as Kalinda pursued them – trying to get just a little more.  
  
“Maybe more than maybe,” Kalinda confessed, sighing in triumph as Alicia conceded and allowed the kiss. Small steps, that made up bigger ones. “Guess there’s only one way to find out.”  
  
And she was right. The only way of knowing, was by trying. And somewhere between Alicia’s divorce and Kalinda’s arms, Alicia had found that _maybe_ was the most unexpected and thrilling opportunity of all.  
  
How good it felt to take a chance on something, not because of some sense of it being the _right thing_ or the _moral thing_ or because she felt she had to… but just because she _wanted_ it, and it made her happy.  
  
And… just _maybe_ … Kalinda was discovering too, that on the way to finding each other, there was something to be found of themselves, as well.  
  



	6. Epilogue

Alicia Cavanaugh Florrick’s eyes tracked up and down the bustling corridor of the courthouse, not quite sure what she was looking for. For some people, the noise and crowd of this place might be distracting, disconcerting – but this was her element. She tried to use that sense of familiarity to calm her frayed nerves and help her focus on the task at hand.  
  
It was amazing how much easier it was to focus when she wasn’t overly preoccupied by matters of the heart. Still, so often the things that required her focus were things that weighed heavily on her.  
  
A few months ago, Kalinda had taken pictures of a husband in a compromising position with a woman who most certainly wasn’t his wife. At that time, the firm’s clients were a group of the man’s employees, who were suing to recover money lost when their company stock program turned out to be worth next to nothing during a salary freeze – a freeze before during which their boss had gifted himself with an excessive salary and lavish bonuses. The discovery of the infidelity was only collateral damage in that particular case – but a few well-placed and just-this-side-of-ethical insinuations (backed up by Kalinda’s photos) had been strong motivators for the wife to cooperate with the investigation. Once the wife had figured out it wasn’t _only_ his employees that her husband was robbing blind, she’d become the an important witness in the class action suit… and today, the wife was their client in a much more personal matter -- the custody hearing for the couple’s children.   
  
Today, Alicia had to assume that the husband’s philandering and pilfering likely also reflected on his skills as a father.  
  
Part of her felt like she should be doing her bit to comfort and prepare the client for what was coming, but Will seemed to have that under control… sitting with the pale and tired-looking women and talking to her in soothing tones.  
  
This was by no means the most difficult case they’d ever represented, but the circumstances touched Alicia in a place that might never be entirely healed, and it unnerved her. So instead of her usual pre-trial routine of consulting with her co-counsel and reviewing her notes, she sat down on the opposite end of the long bench as Will and the client, taking a moment to breathe. She rubbed her temples and closed her eyes, until she heard a familiar, lilting voice asking, “You ready for this?”  
  
Lashes rising, her gaze followed Kalinda’s petite form from the long line of her boots’ stiletto heels, to the smooth, crisp pleat of her skirt and soft leather jacket, to the face she’d memorized every detail of. Alicia was surprised to see her here; the evidence she’d collected stood on its own, and her presence wasn’t strictly required. But she felt relieved; she always seemed to be a little more on her game, when she knew Kalinda was sitting in the back of the gallery. “I stayed up most the night preparing, so… ready as I’m going to get.”  
  
Kalinda eased down on the bench beside her. “This one is hard for you.”  
  
“They’re rarely easy.”  
  
Kalinda gave her that look – the one that told Alicia she could talk around it all she wanted, and Kalinda would still see every anxiety, every struggle, and her poker face only worked in court. “Jury sympathy’s going to be on with us.” She gestured with her chin to the jittering client. “Always feels better to feel like you’re on the _good_ side.”  
  
“Absolutely.” _That_ part always ensured she’d sleep easier at night. “I hope we’re fighting to get those kids back where they belong.” People were starting to migrate into the courtroom, and Alicia’s gaze followed them. “Suppose I should go get set up.”  
  
Kalinda nodded, giving her a brief but encouraging smile as they both stood. “Hey.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Dinner tonight at my place?”  
  
The simple question penetrated through Alicia’s anxiety about the impending court session. _Her place_. Even though they had implicitly agreed that these were the kinds of things they were going to try to do, each little indication that it was _true_ gave Alicia a small jolt of shock, a little nervousness, and not just a bit of delight. She managed to contain her response to a cool eyebrow raise. “Very domestic of you, Miss Sharma,” she teased.  
  
“You wish,” Kalinda smirked. “Take-out.”  
  
It was good to know that not _everything_ had changed.  
  
Another sniffle from the end of the bench, and both of them glanced over to where Will was urging the client to stand and move toward the courtroom, before turning back to each other.  
  
“You’re going to do great,” Kalinda promised. And nothing felt as natural then as reaching out to take her proffered hand and squeezing – their fingers intertwining and holding and comforting. Alicia smiled at her gratefully.  
  
Out of the corner of her eye, Alicia caught sight of Will turned toward her, checking to see if she were coming. She glanced at him, not letting go of Kalinda’s hand, and found him regarding them with his head cocked slightly and something unreadable in his eyes. It may have been curiosity and question, with a hint of relief that two of his star employees were getting along again after weeks of tension – and maybe just a bit of unwanted realization – but it all came and passed in a few seconds, before he made to lead the client by her elbow into the courtroom.  
  
Alicia discovered she didn’t really mind any of those reactions.   
  
She gave him a small nod to let him know she was following him, and returned her attention to Kalinda for one more moment as they squeezed then released one another, hands dropping to their sides.  
  
“See you after, then?” Alicia asked.  
  
Kalinda’s soft smile and wink gave her as much reassurance as her tireless night of preparation had. “Count on it.”  
  
And whatever trials lay ahead for her, and for them…   
  
Alicia did.


End file.
